


All I Want. (Kylo Ren x Reader Version)

by elysianecho



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: After care, Anal Sex, Angry Kylo Ren, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Betrayal, Biting, Cum Eating, Dirty Talk, Dom!Kylo Ren, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Finger Fucking, Fluff, Force Choke, Handcuffs, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Internal Conflict, Kidnapped, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Throws A Tantrum, Kylo Ren has feelings too, Kylo Ren with a touch of Adam Sackler, Love, Masturbation, Necessary Fluff, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, POV Kylo Ren, POV You, Possesive Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Romance, Rough Sex, Smut, Soft Ben Solo, Soft Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Teasing, Torture, Unprotected Sex, biting kink, face fucking, force ghost, lack of after care, maybe blood play?, sub!Reader, tagging as I write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:53:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23759419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysianecho/pseuds/elysianecho
Summary: Reader-insert version of my story with the same name!General Leia Organa from the Resistance and you, a Tuanul-villager-turned-Resistance-spy with a secret, have a plan to take down the First Order and their Supreme Leader. However, complications arise as they always do. Will you be able to complete your mission for the Resistance? Or will you be one of the many to fall into the hands of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, who has a secret of his own?Major The Rise of Skywalker spoilers.Set two years after The Rise of Skywalker w/ changes (i.e. character deaths)Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of mine. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Relationships: Ben Solo & Reader, Ben Solo & You, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/You, Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Kudos: 27





	1. Prologue

"How did we get here? Why, of all

the people on the planet, did you

& I seek comfort in one another?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But I

like to think that the universe

brought us together for a reason.

That we're supposed to help each

other grow into the people we were

always mean to become."

- _Amanda Torrom_

* * *

It’s been three years since the First Order arrived in Tuanul and executed most of its villagers. After Kylo Ren killed Lor San Tekka and captured Poe Dameron, what was left of the people in Tuanul came together to rebuild. It didn’t matter if nearly all of our population had been wiped out, that the surviving villagers had been severely injured or that nearly every structure or piece of just that _may_ have been viable had been burned to the ground by the flame troopers. What was left of the village – no matter how small – slowly began to rebuild the home, terrified that one day, Kylo Ren and his many divisions of stormtroopers would come back and destroy it again.

After the Battle on Exegol, for a few short days, there was peace in the galaxy. Rumors of the death of Kylo Ren and his fleet spread through space quicker than lightspeed. Planets rejoiced in their freedom – the Jedi killer had fallen, the First Order vanquished, their star destroyers destroyed… But the relief, the sense of peace was fleeting, dissipating as fast as it rose.

Kylo Ren seemingly emerged from the crumbled remains of Exegol. He came out of nowhere – vexed, humiliated, resentful and probably worst of all, affronted. Kylo Ren announced his survival by mercilessly destroying three planets. A temper tantrum – but for what?

Every day after that, whispers in the galaxy revealed Ren was rebuilding The First Order again. They visited villages, cities, and comminutes, declaring war on any man, woman or child that didn’t stand and declare their allegiance to the First Order. They took their fighters – male or female, young or old. The First Order army was the size it was before the Battle of Exegol in no time, but Kylo Ren didn’t stop.

Most planets declared their allegiance immediately – no one could blame them, Kylo Ren seemed to be even more vengeful than before, he seemed more unstoppable than before. Those who didn’t swear their allegiance ran as fast as they could. Most of them were killed immediately by stormtroopers, the ones lucky enough to escape went to whatever planet they thought could be their safe haven, invisible to the First Order’s eye.

For some reason, most people thought this meant Jakku.

Food had been scarce before people began to flood to the barely inhabitable planet and now that it had become more populated than it’s been in generations, the planet is on the brink of starvation.

At first, the villagers of Tuanul welcomed the runaways to Tuanul with open arms. Anyone who was an enemy of the First Order’s was a friend to them. They were terrified of their small numbers and desperate for any sense of hope – even if it was false. However, now, with so many mouths to feed, Tuanul isn’t the village it was before. Now everyone is hungry because of the lack of food, scared about when the First Order will attack again and just downright hostile.

As the First Order gets stronger with each passing day, Tuanul gets weaker.

General Leia Organa from the Resistance and you, a Tuanul villager with a secret, have a plan to take down the First Order and their Supreme Leader. However, complications arise as they always do. Will you be able to complete your mission for the Resistance? Or will you be one of the many to fall into the hands of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, who has a secret of his own?


	2. No One Can Save You When You've Sunk This Low

### You

Sunlight drenches the sandy planet of Jakku. You trudge through the sand, holding your bag close to you as you near the village. You remain alert but keep your eyes on the yellowish-brown substance that slides under your feet. Tuanul was once a friendly village, but now the villagers are hostile, making eye contact is the last thing you want to do among the unpredictable thieves that littered the village. You hold a staff tightly in your grip, silently daring anyone to touch you as you make your way through the crowd of people. No one did and you entered the village, heading to your destination.

When you reach the clay hut, you glance around you nervously before gently tapping on the door. “Zarola?” You call, “It’s me, (y/n).” You wait patiently for the door to open and when it does, an elderly woman pokes her head out, glances side to side as you had moments before and then slowly opens it the rest of the way.

“(y/n), darling,” she greets. “How are you?”

You smile down at her tiny, frail body. Her white hair shines brilliantly against her sun-kissed skin, age spots litter her face, chest, and arms. “I’m fine, how are you?”

Before Zarola can respond, her young granddaughter runs up to you, embracing you tightly around your hips. “(y/n)!” She yells.

“Hi, Madora!” You kneel and give her a proper hug.

Madora pulls away from you.. “Will you take me outside and play?” She gives you the biggest set of puppy dog eyes the galaxy has ever seen, and you hate that you have to disappoint her.

“Tomorrow,” You promise. “I have somewhere to be, I just wanted to bring you two some rations.”

Madora’s shoulders slump and her head falls forward. “Okay,” she says sadly before walking away.

“I’m sorry she depends on you for some much,” Zarola tells you. “It’s just so hard to take her out with all of the violence going on here nowadays. I know she misses her friends but… I’m not as young as I used to be. I don’t know if I will be able to protect her if I need to out there.” Zarola glances from you to the door as she speaks.

“No, don’t worry about it. I love spending time with Madora, I’d be here more if I could.” You begin digging in the bag that hangs at your side. You pull out two types of packaged food. One from Unkar Plutt and the other, bigger package which had the symbol of the Resistance stamped onto the paper packaging. You hand the portion packs to Zarola. “This should help get you through until Nazeem gets another shipment in. I also came across a Tuanulberry bush! I brought you some berries from it; it’s not much but –”

Nazeem clasps both of her hands around yours. “Thank you so much. You are truly a blessing.”

You attempt a smile as she graciously takes the packages. You dip your hand back in the bag and pull out a small bundle of berries wrapped in paper and then place them on her table. “I only wish I had enough to share with our entire village,” You tell her.

Zarola lifts her hand, placing it reassuringly on your cheek and smiles at you. Wrinkles crease by her eyes as she peers at you. “Help will come soon. Those with ships have begun to leave, Jakku will become sustainable again.”

“I just hope it’s not too late,” You tell her. “I have to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, dear,” she says, walking you to the door.

You and Zarola say your goodbyes and you head outside, feeling safer since you aren’t carrying anything the people of your village would want. You begin to quickly head towards the back end of the village towards the sand dunes you visit regularly. As soon as you clear the first dune, a staff comes heavily down on you, barely giving you time to block it with your own.

“You’re late!”

You bat Nazeem’s staff away, staring at the Resistance fighter that stands to face you. “I know, I’m sorry. I had an errand to run.”

“Run them faster,” she tells you before getting in her fighting stance.

You sigh, knowing there’s no point in arguing with her. You wipe the sweat already accumulating on your forehead, the sun is beginning to set but the heat is still unforgiving. “Why won’t the Resistance send our village food?”

“We’ve been through this,” Nazeem says. “The Resistance isn’t an unlimited supply of charity. No matter how much Leia wants to help, there’s only so much we can do.”

“She sends us food,” And Leia did. Every couple of weeks Nazeem takes two days off from your training to drive her speeder to an undisclosed area and meets with someone from the Resistance base – then she comes back with food.

The little patience Nazeem has evaporates in the heat. “We work for them,(y/n). I can’t lead my army if I’m malnourished and I would be wasting my time training you in the arts if you’re too weak to fight when you need to. No more talking!”

Nazeem doesn’t give you a chance to reply and swings heavily at you which, again, you barely have time to block. She swings her staff side to side and up and down. You think you’re doing good, blocking each one of her attacks, but you don’t realize her ulterior motives until you’re backed up against a sand dune. She stabs the end of her staff into the dune, inches from your head.

“You need to pay more attention to your surroundings, and you need to learn how to switch from defense to offense. How do you expect to kill Kylo Ren if you can’t even disarm me?” Nazeem spits.

You shove her staff away from you and raise your staff, delivering hits with anger. You swing as hard as you can, allowing instinct to overcome you. Nazeem blocks you, backing up as she does so. She makes a mistake though and stops focusing on her footwork, tripping over the sand and falling backwards. You knock her staff from her hands and then press the end of your own staff against her throat.

“Do not bring _him_ up,” You tell her, You leave the staff on her throat for another moment before pulling away.

Nazeem laughs as she gets to her feet. “Bringing him up is the only way to get you to take this seriously. I’m not here to feed your village of cowards,(y/n). I’m here to train you for the Resistance!”

“I do take this seriously! Leia knows how serious I take this!”

“You are getting mad at the wrong person here,” Nazeem tells you. “Leia trained you on your mind, hopefully it will help you if you’re ever captured and Ren tries to search your mind about the Resistance, but we don’t want it to ever get that far. That’s why she sent me here to train you in combat. So you can at the very least, have a fighting chance if you are ever found out.”

“A fighting chance? Nazeem, you know as well as I do that this –” You raise up your staff, “- will be no match for any of the First Order’s weapons. Training me with this isn’t going to help and you know it!”

“And you know that this is only the beginning of your training. Basics first and then we will move you to a weapon that –”

“I’m tired of waiting!” You yell. “I want to kill him now!”

“You’re not ready,” Nazeem says calmly. “You have so much more to learn.”

Your jaw aches and you hadn’t even noticed I’d been clamping down on it. “Fine,” You tell her. “Let’s continue.”

You and Nazeem continue your duel, only stopping when one of you has been disarmed or defeated. Focusing is harder than ever but you’re still able to pin Nazeem down a hand full of times before she calls it quits. The sun had gone down at some point and it is time to return to the village.

She grins at you as you help her up out of the sand. “You are getting stronger. Rey would have been proud of you.”

You don’t answer her. Instead, you wonder when – or possibly if – you will ever stop feeling an ache in your chest at the mention of your best friend’s name.

You were here in Tuanul, helping the wounded dispose of the dead when the First Order attacked Niima Outpost. Once you did all you could do, you headed home. You and Rey shared wreckage of an Imperial transport. It was small and didn’t grant either of you any privacy, but neither of you minded. She was your best friend and had been since her parents abandoned her on Jakku. You were there when she cried herself to sleep and as she held on to the hope that they would return to her again.

But Rey wasn’t in the transport when you had arrived. You searched everywhere for her, figured she was scavenging somewhere or exploring. You weren’t afraid of never finding her until Unkar grabbed you and blamed you for Rey stealing his ship. At first, you thought he was lying – that Rey wouldn’t have left Jakku, you had talked about it before and she refused. She was waiting on her parents – she wouldn’t have left, and she definitely wouldn’t have left without you.

But she did.

And you never saw her again.

Passing foreigners brought stories about her from around the galaxy, every one of them contradicted the last. At first, she was dead, then she lived, then killed again by Snoke but she had also killed him. Some said she had joined the Resistance or that she took the hand of Kylo Ren. You didn’t find out the truth about what happened until six months ago.

A large transport ship landed west of Niima Outpost. At first, you were hopeful, thinking Rey came back for you. Came to save you from this unforgivable planet. When you saw multiple people walk down the bay door, you grew petrified. What if one of them was Kylo Ren? Had he come to destroy Jakku as they had many of the planets before?

But there wasn’t a tall, masked figure with them, and their group lacked the white armored stormtroopers. The woman that led the group was older but gorgeous. She had brown hair that had begun to grey and was flanked by two men and a Wookie.

“I’m General Leia Organa with the Resistance, we’re looking for anyone that may have known a girl by the name of Rey.”

Leia told you that she, Poe, Finn, and Chewie had come to visit Rey’s home planet to celebrate her as it was the one-year anniversary of her death. It was also the one-year anniversary of the Battle on Exegol. Rey had been dead for one whole year before you knew. You should have been prepared, a part of you – even if it was just the tiniest of slivers – should have known she was dead. Although believing that Rey escaped this dreadful planet without you, never to return, the thought of her dying destroyed you. She was your best friend and even though you had your boyfriend, you didn’t know how to live in a galaxy where Rey didn’t exist.

Soulmates aren’t just lovers. They’re friends too.

Poe and Finn told you amazing stories of Rey to help cheer you up. They told you how strong she was, how brave and downright stubborn – all of which you already knew but you appreciated them trying. She was a hero to everyone that was against the First Order. They told you about her lineage, and you wished you were there to comfort her when she found out. Then, it accidentally slipped out about her murderer’s lineage.

How could two war heroes produce such a malicious monster? You almost wish they didn’t tell you.

After hearing about the truth behind General Organa, it surprised you to remember that she was a General of the Resistance. When she told you they were still fighting against the First Order, against her son. you knew you had to join.

Leia wanted a spy to infiltrate the First Order and you were to be that spy. She sent you Nazeem, a Captain to the growing Resistance army. When you asked why you couldn’t leave Jakku to go to the Resistance base and train, she said her son wasn’t looking for Resistance fighters in the middle of nowhere. So, every day – besides the two days Nazeem was gone to meet the Resistance – you trained in combat with Nazeem. Slowly getting stronger.

A roaring engine from above pulls you out of your thoughts. Four ships fly towards the village, landing quickly in the sand.

“Is that Leia?” You ask, turning to Nazeem.

Nazeem’s eyes are wide with something you’ve never seen on her before – fear. “No,” she replies in a hushed, panicked whisper.

You furrow your brows, looking from her to the ships when are now open and white figures walk out. Stormtroopers. “It’s him.”

Upon hearing your words, Nazeem grabs your shoulders and spins you around to face her. Her hands leave you and go up to her neck quickly, she slips off her necklace and puts it around your neck. “Take this,” she tells you. “If something happens to me, use it to contact the Resistance.”

“What?” You ask, looking down at the small pendent. How was a necklace going to help you?

“(y/n), listen to me. You need to hide, okay? Take off and don’t come back until the ships are gone.”

“No!” You protest, shaking your head. “No! I’m not running away! I’m ready to fight him!”

She grabs your hands. “(y/n)!”

“No!” You try to yank free from her. “Let me go!”

“You are underestimating Kylo Ren! The Resistance is counting on you. Do as I say and hide until the ships leave.”

“What about Holden? You ask. You hate the thought of running, but it would make the decision a little easier if you knew the man you called yours would be safe.

“I’ll find him,” Nazeem assures you. “Now go!”

You reluctantly do as you’re told and begin running parallel to the village staying close to the sand dunes for added protection. You hear screams and children crying, huts and other structures are inflamed, and it angers you. These people shouldn’t have to go through this again. They deserve to live in peace. You want to turn around and protect them…

“Stop!”

A stormtrooper appears out of seemingly nowhere. Your hand instinctively grips your staff and you’re about to swing when you’re knocked into the sand. You roll over to see another stormtrooper standing directly above you, his blaster pointed at your chest.

“Get up,” he tells you.

You get to your feet quickly, wondering what the best possible way to get out of this mess would be. Before you can decide, one of them snatches your staff from you and tosses it into the sand.

“Move,” he tells you, pressing the blaster between your shoulder blades.

The stormtrooper leads you into the village where they had gathered the people of Tuanul, pinned them down like a scared and defenseless animal. They grip onto one another, crying, shaking… You spot Zarola standing on the other side of the crowd, little Madora gripped to her grandmother’s hips. How could you have possibly thought to leave them?

A sudden hum brings you out of your thoughts before you can become too ashamed of yourself. Through the darkened sky, a black ship with tall, elongated wings emerges and slowly lands amongst the others. You watch the bay door open with a deafening hiss. Two stormtroopers walk out and a tall, cloaked figure follows them.

Your breath catches in your throat and you swallow hard. You had never seen him before but every inch of you is screaming that this is Kylo Ren. His arms stick out from his side, weighed down by the fists he held. A dominating authority exudes from him, intimidating the crowd without him even doing anything. His face is shielded by a helmet you thought was completely black, but as he pans the crowd, the fires illuminate the silver and red in it.

You can hear your heart pound against your chest and you’re almost positive Kylo Ren can hear it too. You wonder if this is how Rey felt in her last moments before he killed her. Did she remain brave until the end? Did she beg for her life?

Anger begins to rise in your chest. Ren is speaking now – a metallic voice emitting from the helmet – but you can’t hear him. All you can hear is the blood pumping in your veins, the flames crackling behind you and roofs of huts falling into what were just homes minutes ago. You hear a child crying… you clench your hands, feeling your nails dig into the flesh of your palms.

“We destroyed Tuanul before and graciously let you rebuild. Now you will serve under the First Order. The –”

“We are tired, hungry and weak. We would be no use for your fight!” Your head snaps in the direction of the defiant villagers, your heart dropping into the sand beneath you. Zarola, once too scared to take her granddaughter outside, too scared to protect her from normal villagers has decided that now is the time to become courageous and outspoken.

You watch Zarola be lifted into the air by invisible ropes. You don’t understand what’s happening until your eyes find Ren; his hand is outstretched cupping the desert air with his gloved hand.

“You will not defy me!” He yells. His twists his hand and from across the sea of people, you hear Zarola’s body fall to the ground. You didn’t have to see her to know Ren killed her.

“NO!” You scream. You take a step to run towards Zarola, towards Madora who is screaming for her grandmother to wake up but before you can get anywhere, you’re grabbed from behind and shoved to your knees in the sand.

It takes Ren moving towards you to rip your eyes away from where Zarola had fallen. His heavy footsteps cause the sand to crunch beneath him. Tears fall freely from your face and the closer Ren gets, you know Nazeem is undoubtedly right. You completely underestimated how cold-blooded and cruel Kylo Ren could be.

You tighten your jaw, a lame attempt at composing yourself as Ren stops directly in front of you, lowering himself down to your level. You can’t ignore how intimidatingly huge he is. He’s so close you can see small scratches and dents in his helmet – you wonder if Rey caused any of them. Before you can stop yourself, and sure that death by Ren’s hand is inevitable anyway, you spit on Ren’s helmet.

As soon as the spit lands, you’re knocked to your belly by the stormtrooper that held you. You feel his armored foot on the small of your back and his blaster against your head. “Orders, sir?” he asks.

Ren doesn’t answer immediately. You hear the sand beneath him shift as he stands and begins to walk away. He calls behind him, “Bring the girl. Leave the rest to starve.”

###### Authors Note:

Hey guys, so as you may have noticed I've decided to write a reader-insert version of this story. I prefer to write in first person, though, so I will be keeping the original character version up and updating it. This version is just for those that prefer to read reader-inserts! I'll be writing the OC version and then editing it into the reader-insert version, so if you ever see the use of "I" instead of "you", etc let me know and I'll fix it! All chapters with be in second person except for the chapters that are in Kylo's point of view, those will remain in first person. I haven'twritten reader-insert since I was thirteen so please forgive me if it's not perfect.♡

Thank you so much for reading.

Title credit:  
Just Surrender "Lose Control"


	3. You've Got a Fire Inside but Your Heart's So Cold

### You

“No! Stop! Let me go!”

No matter how much you jolt and kick and scream, the stormtroopers refuse to loosen their iron-clad grip on you. You allow your legs to go limp, hoping the dead weight would slow them but it only causes your arms to ache under the clasp of their grip as they drag you through the sand. As soon as you’re on the ship, they throw you to the floor and the bay door closes behind you. Most of the troopers gather in strict straight lines as the engines start with a loud roar. The two troopers that dragged you into the ship stand at your side and a man in an all-black First Order uniform walks up to you.

“Hold her still,” he orders them.

They pick you back up just as you feel the ship heave into space. For the first time in your life, you’re leaving Jakku. For the first time in your life, you don’t want to. A sharp pain followed by an ice-cold sensation fills your veins. You hadn’t even noticed the man in black had approached you and stuck a needle in your arm.

“What is that?” You ask, panicked as he pulls the needle out of your arm. A small drop of blood begins to gather instantly. “What is that?” You ask again in a more demanding tone.

“When she’s out, return to your lines,” he tells the troopers before walking away.

“Hey! No! What is that? What did you do to me?!” You call after him trying to get loose from the stormtroopers hold.

“That’s right, accelerate that heartrate. It’ll only make the serum work faster,” the trooper to your left says.

“Serum?” You ask beginning to feel dizzy. “What serum? What did you do –” Suddenly the three lines of stormtroopers in front of you turn into six… You blink hard, trying to focus. “What did…” You feel yourself go limp in the stormtroopers arms before you sink into a drugged unconsciousness.

Your eyes flutter open, you blink a few times still feeling the effects of grogginess on your face. It feels like that odd sensation when you’re pulled out of a deep sleep abruptly; when your face doesn’t quite have all of its feeling to it; like it’s numb and you don’t quite feel all the way there. You look around the room you’re in and the memories of what happened in the last – how long had it been? – _however long_ and you grow panicky once more. It’s clear you’re in a cell of sorts but the room is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. Everything is clean and shiny, the floors, walls, and ceiling are all the same shade of dark grey but the door is made of glass. The room is very dimly lit but you can tell you’re sitting on a thin cot and there’s one surveillance camera in the far corner with a steady blinking light.

You stand up and walk over to the glass door. The hallway is brightly lit but empty. Your fist collides with the glass, hitting it hard with the side of your hand. You knew it wouldn’t work but still, you’re disappointed when the glass doesn’t budge.

“Hello?” You call, your warm breath fogs up the glass. “Hello?!”

You want… No, you _need_ answers. Why did Ren bring you here? Why didn’t he just kill you in the desert? Like he did Zarola…

Oh, Zarola. Your heart breaks at the memory. What would happen to Madora? She’s so young and yet she has lost everyone that has ever cared about her. A lump grows in your throat and you walk back over to your cot, collapsing on it. You should have done more to protect her. You shouldn’t have tried to leave the village like Nazeem told you. You should have taken her training more seriously.

Before you can fall further into the pit of despair, the glass door slides open and you’re greeted by a blaster. “Get up,” a stormtrooper tells you. Against your better judgment, you do as you’re told. The trooper enters the cell and quickly cuffs you. “Move,” he tells you, jutting the blaster into your shoulder blade.

Your feet move forward, and you’re escorted out of the cell and down the hall. You think about escaping but where would you go? You don’t even know where you are; you wouldn’t get far before you’re captured again.

There’s another stormtrooper at the end of the hall. They open a door and the first trooper pushes you inside the room so hard you stumble over your own two feet. You expect to come face to face with Ren and his tri-blade saber you’ve heard so much about, but the room is empty of people and…filled with showers?

You hear the door behind you close and you turn around to see one of the stormtroopers standing there, their gun pressed to their chest. “Get against the wall, raise your arms,” she says, pointing to one of the shower walls with her gun.

Unsure of what other choice you have, you follow her instructions and stand against the wall. She walks to the wall on the opposite side of you and presses a button. Your hands slap against the wall, an invisible gravitational pull presses your handcuffs to the cement.

“Hey – wait, what’s going on?” You ask trying to pull your hands free from the wall – no matter how hard you pull, your hands won’t budge.

The trooper doesn’t answer you and instead puts down her weapon and walks over to you with a blade in her hand. At first, you think she’s about to gut you in the shower – it’s easy clean up that way, right? – but then she begins to slice away your layers of clothes.

“Hey!” You yell, trying to kick her away. “Leave me alone! Get off me!”

You feel a sharp pain in your abdomen followed by the stormtrooper cursing under her helmet. “Shit!” You look down and see her hands are shaking. A thin red line the length of your pinky has appeared on your abdomen, blood slowly begins to crawl away from it. “Will you calm down before you get us both killed?”

“Just let me do it myself. I promise I won’t do anything,” It’s a feeble attempt and you’re sure she hears it from prisoners all the time but the humiliation in your cheeks is desperate to be left with even a shred of dignity.

The stormtrooper ignores you as she rips the rest of your clothes from your body leaving you handcuffed and naked – completely defenseless. You turn, trying to hide your naked body but it’s useless. The stormtrooper returns to the wall with buttons and presses one. Water colder than you’ve ever felt before douses you. You yelp out in surprise, again trying to pull yourself from the wall but to no avail. When the trooper decides you’re drenched enough she turns the water off, hits another button. You flinch, not knowing what to expect. A droid flies up out of nowhere and begins lathering your hair and body, the fresh wound burns violently when the soap enters it.

You try to tell yourself this is better than an actual stranger doing it but the thought doesn’t bring any comfort. The droid scrubs your skin raw and tangles your hair in its metal arms before it flies away, and the water douses you again. You wonder if this is a form of torture, and then decide it absolutely is. By the time the water shuts off again, you can feel your bones shaking beneath the frozen skin, muscle and fat. The trooper picks the gun back up, presses the button to release you from the wall and unlocks your cuffs.

“Get dressed,” she tells you, motioning to a pile of black clothes folded neatly on a chair in the corner. “Don’t make me shoot you.”

You’re not even tempted to call her bluff. You scurry to the pile of clothes. “Can I get a towel to dry off? Or something to stop the bleeding?” You ask.

The stormtrooper doesn’t reply so you’re forced to peel the clothes onto your wet, freezing body. The bleeding cut on your stomach isn’t deep enough for medical attention but is bleeding enough to cause red drips to slide down your stomach and towards your panty line. You ignore it and pull the top on over it, pressing the shirt to the cut to stop the bleeding. As soon as you’re dressed the trooper slaps the cuffs back on and pushes you out the door.

At blaster point, you’re escorted back to your cell. When you arrive at the dimly lit dark grey cell, you’re uncuffed and shoved in. Frustrated, you turn around before the door closes.

“I guess a brush is out of the question?” You ask. Again, the trooper is silent, and the cell door slides shut before you’re left in solitude again.

You run your fingers through your dripping wet hair attempting to untangle the mess the droid made before plopping down on the thin First Order issued cot. As you’re getting comfortable and wishing there was a blanket, the door slides open and a droid walks in quickly. He sets down a plate with a muffin on it before disappearing through the door again; it closes tightly behind him.

You pick up the muffin, inspecting it for poison. Your stomach growls, reminding you of how hungry you are and with a bite, you decide that if you’re going to die anyway, you might as well die with something in your stomach.

The cell door doesn’t open again until the next morning. You don’t see a stormtrooper but the same droid as before walks in, sets down a plate with fruit and then leaves again. The loneliness is almost crippling. In Tuanul, it’s so crowded all the time – there’s a constant chatter and bumping into people as you walk through the village. You are constantly touching someone, even if you didn’t want to be. Inside this cell, the silence is almost deafening. You can easily see yourself going crazy from the lack of human, or even non-human, connection. Maybe that’s what Ren wanted – for your mind to slowly cave in on itself, to be tortured by absolutely nothing before he killed you.

After three days, you received another dehumanizing shower and in the days between you received one meal, even smaller than the portions you got on Jakku. On the sixth day, you decide You’d rather die attempting to escape than die of loneliness in the cell and its deafening silence. So, when the droid enters the room, you kick it in the chest, causing it to fall backwards clumsily. You walk out of the room quickly, surprised that there’s not a stormtrooper standing guard. The surprise is cut short, however, when you turn the corner and you’re greeted by two of them, wielding blasters.

You stop and they immediately point their guns at you. “Prisoner, we will shoot. Return to your cell!” One of them orders.

Your hand is resting on your stomach, you don’t realize until now that you’re holding the incision that never closed and is now slowly bleeding into your shirt. Why wouldn’t this thing heal?

Something clicks and you narrow your eyes up at the stormtroopers. “You can’t shoot me,” You tell them. The stormtrooper in the shower was scared when she cut you. You don’t know why, and at this moment, you don’t care about the details. Before either of them can reply you kick one of the troopers in his white armor, he’s caught off guard and stumbles backwards. As you turn to the other stormtrooper you’re relieved Nazeem showed you some of the tricks she did. The second trooper points his gun at you, his finger is on the trigger but he’s hesitating. You knock the gun to the side and stomp your foot down on the side of his knee. You hear a crunch and you know you’ve broken his leg. He falls screaming underneath his helmet. You get a knot in your stomach – you might have forgotten that there’s an actual human beneath that armor.

You hear the charge of a weapon and you turn around, facing the trooper that had fallen to the ground. His blaster is trained on you and before you have the chance to react, he fires his weapon.

When you wake, you’re laying on the thin cot. You blink hard, hoping to blink the throbbing in your head away as you remember the events that led up to this moment. You remember the blaster shot to the chest and sit up, searching your body for a gaping hole simultaneously wondering how you’re still alive. There is no wound and a part of you wonders if you had dreamed the whole thing. You groan internally and begin to lay back down hoping more sleep would get rid of this headache. Before your head hits the cot, something catches in the corner of your eye and you sit back up, looking over towards the cell door, immediately scooting away from it.

Silhouetted by the bright hallway and dark clothing, Kylo Ren sits in a chair directly in front of the cell doors. He sits forward in his chair, his forearms resting on his knees. His leather gloves groan under the weight of his grasp as he clenches and unclenches his fists.

You swallow hard. “What do you want from me?” You almost didn’t recognize your own voice – it sounds braver than you feel.

Ren stops moving altogether, you’re not even sure he is breathing. He hesitates before countering with, “Who are you?”

You narrow your eyes, finding the question odd and unnerving. What could he possibly mean? He’s the one that took you from your home, it’s not like you snuck in here. “Apparently, I’m your prisoner.”

“My General tells me you keep harming my stormtroopers and even a droid. Why is that?”

You scoff. You know Ren is a lot of things but you never thought of him as stupid. “Maybe because I don’t want to be here? You –”

Ren cuts you off but his voice still seems nonchalant; matter of fact. “I took you away from a planet that is slowly dying. You wouldn’t have survived much longer there. I did you a favour.”

“And you left everyone else there to starve,” You spit. “I remember.” 

“They defied me. Normally, I would have used the Star Destroyer to demolish the imbecilic planet along with its despicable inhabitants but that would have been a kindness they don’t deserve.”

“And I do?” You ask him.

Ren’s synthetic voice has more bite to it, and you know you’ve hit a nerve. “You should be grateful, I saved you from –”

You don’t care if he’s getting angry, You cut him off. “You killed my friend!” Two, but you refuse to allow yourself to think of Rey.

He pauses and you wonder if he’s trying to remain calm or if Zarola’s life was so frivolous to him that he doesn’t remember. You wouldn’t be surprised. “She defied me,” he tells you. “She proved that Jakku is nothing but a planet filled with scum that is of no use to me. You should be grateful I see a use for you.”

You don’t give yourself time to wrap your head around what he meant. You know he won’t tell you anyway. “What should I be grateful for? The one meal a day or the absolutely dehumanizing and humiliating showers?”

“You eat better here than you did on Jakku,” he tells you.

“I would have rather died on Jakku!” You seethe.

Ren jumps out of the chair so quickly it slams into the glass behind him. He reaches out his hand and you feel yourself being pulled to your feet. “I think what you mean to say is _Thank you, Supreme Leader_. You now owe me your life and you will pledge yourself to the First Order.”

Fear and the Force paralyze you as Ren moves across the floor of the cell. He doesn’t stop until he’s so close you swear you can hear his breath emitting from the mask.

You hate him. You hate him with every fiber of your being. “Fuck you.”

Ren squeezes his hand and suddenly, you feel the air leave your lungs and your throat collapses on itself. “Your name,” he demands.

You can’t focus on anything other than the fact that you can’t breathe. Your lungs feel as though they’re shriveling up and your head is mere moments from bursting open. Just when you think you can’t take it anymore and begin to silently beg for death, Ren releases you, and you feel your body hit the cold hard floor. You gasp for air, but you can’t seem to get enough. Your hands fumble around your throat, still feeling the phantom pain of his invisible grasp. You glance up at Ren, your cheek pressed against the floor. He’s turned away from you, and if you didn’t know better, you’d think he is ashamed of what he had done, but you know it’s something else. His clenched fists begin to relax.

You don’t know why but your name slips out of your mouth. “(y/n),” You gasp, pulling yourself off the floor. Ren’s head twitches towards you but he doesn’t turn around. “My name is (y/n, your last name).”

Ren doesn’t say anything else before he marches out of your cell. After he’s gone and the door slides shut, you allow yourself to fall back onto the floor and before you can stop them, tears fall freely onto the cot beneath you.

You dream of Kylo Ren and his fleet killing everyone that doesn’t pledge their allegiance to him. You dream of the Dark Side taking over the galaxy, children being used in war, mothers slaughtered as they beg the Supreme Leader to take them instead…and Rey. Your best friend, kind and loving and fierce stands next to him, a malicious grin on her face…

When you wake, you’re drenched in sweat. Your chest heaves mournfully and angrily. You tell yourself it’s just a nightmare. You remind yourself that Rey is gone – unable to join the Dark Side. You swear to yourself that you wouldn’t allow Ren to control the galaxy, ignoring the small voice in your head that tells you that you are no match for Kylo Ren, no matter how much you want to be. 

“Get up.”

You jump at the sound of the familiar cold, clear voice with a synthesized edge. Ren is standing near the door, standing so still he mimics a statue.

You don’t want to move. You want to roll over, go back to sleep and pretend that you’re in a better place but you’re scared of what will happen if you do. You stand, wondering how long he had been watching you and if he’s going to make a habit out of it.

“What do you want from me?” You ask him again. If he’s going to kill you, You wish he would just get it over with.

Ren turns away from you and the cell door opens. “It’s time for your shower. Come.”

This time you refuse to move. You know you pushed him the last time he shared this cell with you but did he really think that humiliating you even more would persuade you to join the First Order? “No, thank you,” You say trying to sound grateful but firm.

Ren slowly turns to you. “Don’t make me force you,” he threatens.

Knowing he won’t hesitate to Force-throw you down the hallway, you take a step forward and follow him out of the room. Ren, however, doesn’t turn down the hallway and head to the showers. Instead, he turns down the same hall you tried to escape in. You follow him, curious as to where he’s leading you.

Stormtroopers and other enlisted members of the First Order march through the corridors, each one corrects their perfect posture even more when they see their Supreme Leader, but Ren doesn’t seem to be paying them any attention. You struggle to keep up with his long strides and wonder if he would notice if you were to trail behind and turn down one of the many hallways you passed. You don’t entertain the idea long, knowing you wouldn’t get far, and Ren would undoubtedly catch you.

Ren pauses at an elevator; when the doors opens, he steps into it and you follow him, standing beside him, trying not to let his height intimidate you. As the elevator begins to move upwards, you realize that you can feel the cloth from his sleeve brush against your arm. Ren seems to notice this at the same time you do, and he instantly pulls away, folding his hands behind him. The doors open a moment later and Ren walks out first, you follow closely behind him.

“Where are we going?” You ask as you walk down another main corridor.

Before he can answer – and you doubt he would have anyway, it seems to be a pattern with him – a stormtrooper approaches Ren. “Sir, the Allegiant General has requested your presence on the Bridge.”

Ren stops so abruptly that if you were any closer to him, you would have run into his back. “Ask Hux if I need to remind him who reports to who,” Ren tells the trooper. You arch your brow, hating yourself for being impressed by how much authority he emits without even trying.

“Yes, sir,” the stormtrooper says even though Ren has started to walk away.

You follow him quickly as he turns down another hallway, eventually stopping in front of a door. He presses a button on the panel and the door slides open.

“These are your quarters now,” he tells you. “You are to remain inside this room until you’re told to leave.”

You look into the room and then back at him, but you don’t move. What is the catch? What did you do to deserve the upgrade?

As if he’s reading your mind, he says, “Or you can remain in your cell and endure those dehumanizing showers.”

“Thank you,” You say quickly. If gratitude is what Ren wants so desperately, you’re willing to give it to him if it meant being able to shower in privacy again.

You walk in without waiting for Ren to reply. As soon as you’re through the door, you turn to thank Ren again, but he’s gone and the door slides shut behind you.

###### Author's Note

Thank you for reading.  
Title credit: Halsey "Haunting"


	4. An Empty Heart Replaced with Paranoia

### Kylo

I flex my fists, watching the planet of Jakku get closer. My jaw clenches and I want to blow the planet to smithereens but instead, I order my pilot to land the ship. As soon as it lands, the hatch begins to open and two of the stormtroopers walk out and I follow them. The heat is miserable the moment my feet touch the sand. It groans under my feet as I stomp up to the crowd my division gathered for me. I’m exhausted. The last year and a half has been absolutely dreadful rebuilding the First Order. The Battle of Exegol nearly wiped everyone out – it’s a miracle that some of us even survived. After the Battle, the Resistance mourned the loss of their Jedi, Rey, and the First Order celebrated.

In my rage after the Battle of Exegol, I blew planets up to remind the galaxy that despite their beliefs and the rumors, not only was I still alive but the First Order was very much intact. I reminded them that the Resistance’s last hope, their Jedi Rey had died and the Resistance might as well have died along with it. I didn’t tell them how low our numbers were and quickly began to rebuild the First Order by proclaiming civilizations were to either join us or die.

Most of them joined us.

Many of them died.

The speech I give is worn out, tired. Each time I make it, I am surprised by how powerful it sounds coming out of me. It still surprised me when it caused civilizations to crumble. How weak-minded are these people that they tremble at the sound of a tired speech?

I don’t even realize I’m in the middle of my overused speech until I’m interrupted. An old woman spoke up from the crowd.

“We are tired, hungry and weak. We would be no use for your fight!” She tells me.

She is right. Jakku is a planet for thieves and lowlifes. There is nothing they could offer me but there _should_ be. They _should_ figure out a way to help the First Order. I know I have to kill the woman to show the people of Tuanul that I am serious. You’re either with the First Order or you are dead.

I don’t hesitate when I snap her spine and drop her to the ground.

“NO!”

My head snaps to the other side of the crowd just in time to see a stormtrooper jerking a girl backwards as she tried to run. My heart stops.

It couldn’t be. There is no way in hell Rey survived. I watched her as she became one with the Force. She disappeared in my embrace. I blink under the mask, squeezing my eyes shut so hard they ache. When I open them Rey is gone, another girl being held with her knees in the sand has replaced her.

The whisper of Rey’s imprint in the galaxy had haunted me before but something else is attracting me to this particular scavenger. I knew coming here was a bad idea. I don’t realize I’m moving closer to her until I’m standing above her. I squat in front of her, allowing myself to take everything about her in. Something about her is familiar but I can’t place it. A million questions tug at my mind – who is this girl? Did she know Rey? Is that where she gets her fierceness from? Why do I feel drawn to her?

I’m about to reach into her mind and find the answer to all of those questions when the girl does something that surprises me and further proves her fierceness. She spits on my helmet. Before I can react – and unsure of how I would have anyway – the stormtrooper holding onto her kicks her from behind and she falls to her stomach in the sand. “Orders, sir?” he asks me.

I slowly wipe the spit from my mask using the back of my gloved hand. Part of me knows I have to kill her. I had just killed an old woman, demanding not to be defied and then this scavenger scum has the audacity to spit on me. But, as my fingers wrapped around my saber, I realize I can’t kill her. There is something special about her, she is fierce and familiar and definitely has potential for _something_. I just can’t place my finger on _what_ exactly.

I stand and begin walking away. There’s nothing on this planet worth my time except for one thing. “Bring the girl. Leave the rest to starve,” I tell him.

Knowing the stormtrooper has no choice to listen to me, I head back to my ship desperate to get away from this dreadful planet. As soon as I walk onto the ship, I press the button to close the hatch. “Take me back to base,” I tell the pilot.

He nods immediately. “Yes, sir.”

On the way back to The Annihilator, I can’t get the girl off my mind. I should have just left her where she was, killed her for defying me just as the old woman had.

Why couldn’t I do it? Why did I hesitate? 

I punch the button for the hatch as soon as we land in the hangar of The Annihilator and General Hux begins to approach me, stiff as ever.

“Ren!” His snide voice calls after me as I try to walk away before he can reach me. I reluctantly stop, fists tight at my side.

“What, Hux?” I ask. Although I already knew the pilot from the other ship had reported back to base, alerting Hux that they were on their way with a prisoner. A protocol that is very inconvenient to me at this very moment. I tighten my fists.

Hux steps in front of me, blocking my path. “How did Jakku go?” I push past him, ignoring his question. “You have one job as our Supreme Leader, and _again_ you get distracted by a –”

“Did you need something, General Hux?” I ask as he trails closely behind me.

“The prisoner you insisted on bringing back, what do you want to do with her? What is your plan” He asks me, his lips pressed together thinly. I know he wants to ask me my reasoning but he’s smarter than that.

I sigh under my mask. I don’t know. _I don’t know!_ “Just… lock her up and tell the guards not to harm her.”

“Not to harm…” Hux begins to lose his patience. “Supreme Leader, she is very resistant! The guards need to be able to enforce order –”

I grab his throat with my hand and lift him into the air. His legs kicked and he clawed at my hand. “You will not forget who is in charge here, General Hux.”

I let go of him and he catches himself before he crumples to the ground. Before he can stop me with any more nonsense, I walk out of the hangar.

I’m still asleep when the holo-projector on my bedside table beeps. I crack one of my eyes open – ignoring the way it desperately begs to close. It beeps again and I sit up, pressing the button on the side of the small round device. I regretted it the moment Hux popped up, his hands held tightly behind his back. A look of disapproval smug on his face.

“Supreme Leader, you’re needed on the bridge immediately.”

I roll my eyes. “What is it that you can’t handle, General Hux?”

“There’s been a situation with the girl,” Hux says. “She attempted to escape.”

I stifle a groan and instead of replying, I end the hologram. “Fuck!” I yell.

As I get ready for the day, I struggle to come up with a reason why I must keep the girl as a prisoner. I know Hux is going to demand a reason and, as much as I hate it, _because I said so_ will only go so far. I play with the idea of killing Hux. There are several Generals in the galaxy – he wouldn’t be missed. But I know I can’t. While my army and crew fear me and my conniption as I prefer – they trust Hux.

I decide as I walked out of my quarters, that killing Hux is off the table. A conclusion I’ve regretfully come to every time I think about it.

The echoes of my footsteps are loud in the quiet hallway. Stormtroopers line parts of the hallway, blasters against their chest. A thought hits me. Hux said the girl _attempted_ to escape. Did she survive? Did he order her to be killed on site against my orders? My fists clench so hard they hurt. I turn the corner, one hallway closer to the bridge when someone nearly bumps into me.

“Oh!” she giggles. “Supreme Leader, I’m so sorry.” I narrow my eyes down at the blonde and move past her. Vega giggles again. “Let me know if you need anything, Supreme Leader.”

I ignore her and continue to the bridge.

As soon as I walk in, I head towards Hux who is looking out the window. “General Hux, report.”

“Oh, yes,” Hux turns to me. “At dinner last night, the girl attacked the droid AKB-394 and –”

I stop him. “ _Last night?_ ” I clench my jaw beneath my mask. “Why am I only now being told?”

Hux scoffs. “You demanded to not be disturbed once you returned to your quarters last night, Supreme Leader.” He spits the last two words as if they were poison.

“Then what happened,” I demand through clench teeth.

“The two stormtroopers watching the detention center managed to stop her from leaving the hallway. AV-128 was able to subdue the prisoner after she broke AV-344’s leg.”

“Subdue?” I ask. I ignore the feelings of uneasiness in my chest.

Hux snarls. “Yes, your precious prisoner only encountered a blaster stun. She’s back in her cell.”

“Good,” I tell him, unsure of what else to say. I know he wants to know my plan for the girl but the truth is simple. I don’t have one.

“So, help me, Ren, if you put this organization in jeopardy again as you did with the scavenger I –”

“I killed the scavenger!” I bite back. His eyes shoot down to my waist and I realize I had clamped onto my lightsaber. I tightened my grip around its black handle, practically watching the sweat bubble upon his forehead. “Don’t make me kill you next,” I threaten quietly.

Before he can respond, I turn violently and head away from the bridge, my cloak flapping angrily behind me. I had been avoiding seeing the girl, but I knew I could no longer.

I enter the hall of the cells, the two stormtroopers standing guard tense when they see me.

“Leave,” I demand as I walk past them and down the hallway. I hear their footsteps as they do what I’ve commanded.

When I arrive at the girl’s cell, there’s another stormtrooper sitting in a chair beside the door. His head droops forward while he barely hung onto his blaster. At my footsteps, he wakes, fear immediately begins to emit from his armor.

“Good morning, sir.” He says, standing up. His gun shakes in his hand as he holds it close to his body.

“Leave us,” I tell him. He doesn’t hesitate before he begins to scurry away. Before he gets too far, I call out, “And soldier…” His footsteps stop. I don’t turn around to face him but I slightly turn my head back to him. “Do not let me catch you slacking again.”

“Yes, sir,” he says and shuffles off.

I press the code into the panel on the wall and the girl’s cell door opens. I drag the chair inside with me and the door slides shut. The girl is sleeping soundlessly. I watch her as her chest gently rises and wonder how she can sleep so peacefully while on enemy turf. She should be scared, unable to rest.

Of course, the stun to the chest might be helping her unconsciousness. Still, she looks peaceful even though she is stranded on an enemy’s ship.

Enemy. I toss the word back and forth, allowing it to bounce off my teeth and tongue. It doesn’t taste right. I don’t want the girl to be an enemy – she has a bite to her, a fierceness I’ve only seen a handful of times. I want to recruit her. I want her fierceness to be mine for the First Order’s use.

She stirs and slowly wakes. I watch her as she slowly remembers where she is and then panic rises in her and she begins to use her hands to search her body for what I assume is a blaster wound. I continue to train my eyes on her as she realizes she’s fine, her breathing returns to normal and she begins to lay back down. In another swift movement, she snaps her head back up and in my direction. She scoots backwards, towards the wall, as if she can’t get away from me fast enough.

Ah, so she is afraid after all. A smirk pulls at my mouth.

I watch her as she eyes me. Her hair is a knotted mess and there’s a wariness in her eyes, but she looks unharmed. Her eyes travel down to my hands and I catch myself clenching and unclenching my hands. I hadn’t even been aware I was doing it.

“What do you want from me?” She asks. Although she’s pressed against the wall like a scared, defenseless animal, there’s no wavering in her voice.

I hesitate before answering her. “Who are you?” I defer.

The girl stares at me before answering with, “Apparently I’m your prisoner.”

“My General tells me you keep harming my stormtroopers and even a droid. Why is that?” What I want to ask her is why she thinks she’s strong and smart enough to escape the First Order base.

She scoffs. Her attitude shouldn’t phase me, but it does. It digs under my skin and I clench my jaw. “Maybe because I don’t want to be here? You –”

My anger begins to rise – she’s being so ungrateful. I’ve received so much shit from Hux for demanding a violent prisoner be unharmed and for what? For her to be ungrateful? I saved her! “I took you away from a planet that is slowly dying,” I tell her, trying to remain calm. “You wouldn’t have survived much longer there. I did you a favour.”

“And you left everyone else there to starve. I remember.” The fire that burns within her is one of the many things that made me want her for the First Order but part of my wanted to snuff it out.

I decide to oblige her. “They defied me. Normally, I would have used the Star Destroyer to demolish the imbecilic planet along with its despicable inhabitants but that would have been a kindness they don’t deserve.”

“And I do?” She asks me.

I clench my jaw, losing my patience. “You should be grateful, I saved you from –”

The girl cuts me off. “I should be grateful? You killed my friend!”

I narrow my eyes at her. It takes me a few moments to remember the old woman in the village. “She defied me. She proved that Jakku is nothing but a planet filled with scum that is of no use to me. You should be grateful I see a use for you.” It’s not necessarily a lie, a see a use for her in the First Order l, I just don’t know _which_ use.

“What should I be grateful for? The one meal a day or the absolutely dehumanizing and humiliating showers?” Her voice cracks on the word _dehumanizing_ but she recovers so quickly I don’t think she even notices.

“You eat better here than you did on Jakku,” I tell her simply.

“I would have rather died on Jakku!” She spits.

Her incessant ungratefulness cuts me to the bone and snuffs out any bit of patience I held onto. I jump out of the chair, paying no attention to the sound of it clattering against the glass door behind me. Before I can stop myself, even if I wanted to, I reach out towards her and wrap her in the air around her. Her eyes are wide, and I feel it – I feel how terrified she is, not as terrified as the idiot stormtrooper sleeping on the job, but she knows I could easily end her life right here, right now.

“I think what you mean to say is _Thank you, Supreme Leader_ ,” I say through clenched teeth. “You now owe me your life and you will pledge yourself to the First Order.”

I watch her face closely as she wraps her mind around my words. “Fuck you,” she says. Hate drips from her teeth but it doesn’t matter. She’s not special, she’s not the first person to loathe me and she is nowhere near the last.

I roll my eyes under the mask, tired of this game. I cup my hand around the air and squeeze. Her eyes grow wider than before as she realizes what’s happening. “Your name,” I demand.

I want to tell myself that it doesn’t matter – to just kill the girl, that there are several more competent people for the First Order but I can’t. I feel drawn to her and I know the reason – partially, anyway. This girl reminded me of Rey. I knew it the moment she yelled at me in the desert. She had the same spirit as Rey, the same fire from within, the same fierceness and… audacity. It’s the only thing that is keeping me from killing her right now in this room.

Suddenly a calmness enters the room and I drop my hand to my side, turning away from the girl before she hits the ground. She chokes on air as she gulped it down. The anger that had once risen inside me had vanished. At that same moment, I feel _her_ presence accompany the calmness that blanketed me as _she_ always does. I feel tension escape my body but I would do anything to get it back. This couldn’t happen. Not right now.

“(y/n),” I hear quietly behind me. Curious, I incline my head towards her. “My name is (y/n, your last name).”

The feeling of calm strengthens. I leave the cell, knowing what’s going to happen next.

My feet have almost never moved more quickly. I ignore the staff as they greet me in the halls and raced to my quarters. As soon as I enter, the door slams shut behind me and I rip my helmet off.

“I can’t breathe,” I mumble to myself. I place my hands on my knees and squeeze my eyes shut.

Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away.

“Ben…”

Go away.

I glance up, the tension in my jaw slowly coming back. “I hate it when you do this.”

“I only come when you’re thinking heavily of me,” she tells me.

I walk past her. She’s so solid that if I didn’t know better, I would think she is actually here. “I wasn’t…” I start but we both know it’s useless to lie. She was… is my dyad – she knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

Rey’s Force-ghost doesn’t say anything to me for a moment. “Why are you doing this Ben?”

“Ben died on Exegol,” I tell her.

“I’ve heard that before,” she says. “This isn’t who you are. You know that. You turned to the Light Side once before, you can do it again.”

“For fuck’s sake, Rey, give it up!” I tell her. “Stop visiting me – I don’t want to see you. You died and I was happy it happened.”

“You can lie to yourself, Ben Solo, but you cannot lie to me.”

“Ben Solo is dead,” I repeat.

“No.”

I clench my jaw shut. “What – do – you – want?”

Rey sighs. “I want what I’ve always wanted. For you to return to the Light.”

I turn away from her pleading eyes. “Leave me.”

“Ben,” this time Rey says it more forcefully.

“Leave!” I yell so loud it shakes my entire core. After a moment, I turn back around, and she’s gone. The feeling of calmness disappears, and I collapse on my bed, completely exhausted.

I wake sometime later halfway hanging off the bed. I sit up, pull my gloves off my hands and rub my face before allowing my hand to comb through my dark hair. The conversation with Rey haunts me – like it always does when she visited me. My mind travels back to the prisoner –(y/n). I still had no idea what I was going to do with her. I can’t keep her locked away forever or I can…but it is absolutely pointless, and we will eventually need her cell for a more incriminating prisoner – she will then be released or put to death.

I find myself in front of her cell again. This time her sleep is uneasy. Her shirt is soaked through with sweat and I can hear her whimper in her sleep. She tosses and turns before she eventually wakes, her chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath.

“Get up.”

Her head snaps towards me. I’m surprised she does as she’s told. When she’s on her feet she asks the same question as before. “What do you want from me?”

“It’s time for your shower. Come.” I turn and the door opens, I wait for her to follow me, but her obedience has seemed to run dry.

“No, thank you.”

I turn, raising my brow though she can’t see it. Her neck glistens with sweat. “Don’t make me force you.” I try to keep my voice calm. If I’m to recruit her to the First Order she needs to know that I’m not – at least in this very moment – a threat to her. 

She hesitates and then follows me out of the door.

I don’t speak to her as I walk through the halls. First Order personnel greet me as I make my way from one side of the ship to the other but I ignore them. I take (y/n) and myself into an elevator. I feel her brush up against me and I move away. I can tell she wants to ask me something but doesn’t until the doors open and we exit.

“Where are we going?”

I don’t reply.

After a few more strides a stormtrooper walks up to me. “Sir, the Allegiant General has requested your presence on the Bridge.”

I stop and turn to him. I know exactly what Hux wants. He wants to know what I’ve decided to do with the girl. I still don’t have an answer for him. “Ask Hux if I need to remind him who reports to who,” I tell him.

I begin walking off as he replies, I can hear(y/n)’s footsteps struggling to keep up with mine. We approach a door and I press a button before the door opens.

I step away from the entrance. “These are your quarters now,” I tell her. “You are to remain inside this room until you’re told to leave.”

(y/n) doesn’t answer me right away and I feel the frustration begin to build inside me. She dares to be ungrateful _again_? This is the nicest I’ve been to anyone in _years_ and this is how she thanks me? Pure ungratefulness?

“Or you can continue to stay in your cell and endure those dehumanizing showers,” I threaten.

“Thank you,” she says quickly.

I don’t reply although I’m glad to hear she’s finally appreciative of my hospitality. I watch her as she takes her first step into the room before I walk away. I’m about to enter the elevator when Hux steps out.

“Ren,” he says, his lips press together as eyes me. “I was just coming to find you.”

I don’t answer him and step onto the elevator, Hux follows.

Hux waits until the doors close before speaking again. “Why did you remove the girl from her cell? Does this mean you’ve decided on what to do with her?”

“The girl will be staying in the quarters I’ve assigned her while I recruit her to join the First Order,” I tell him.

“Absolutely not,” Hux says. “She will remain in her cell and we will drop her off at the next planet if you don’t want her killed. This is a command center and battleship. There is no room for someone that doesn’t have the First Order's best interest in mind. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder where your loyalties lie! Your distractions –”

I slam him against the elevator wall so hard the lights flicker and tighten my hands embrace on the air around him. His face turns into an angry red blister ready to pop. “I will not tell you again, you are not the one that will be making this decision. Do –” I tighten my grip, “you –” tighter, “understand?”

Hux claws at the air around his throat. “Yes… Su…preme…Lea…der,” he chokes out.

I let him go and he falls to the ground. The elevator comes to a halt and the doors slide open. I take a step out but Hux stops me.

“Might I suggest, sir, that the girl reside with Vega and Evolet and join them on their duties.”

I waste no time answering. “No."

###### Author's Note

Thank you for reading.  
Title Credit:  
Blink 182 "Stockholm Syndrome"


	5. We Don't Know What to Do About the New Girl

### You

Living on Jakku, the buildings were made out of wet sand and straw. They are easily ruined, and the sand floors were uncomfortably hot most of the time. The room Kylo Ren took you to is anything but uncomfortable. The smooth, dark surfaces of the walls are lit up in certain areas, bringing light into the room. You run your hand across the comforter on the bed, letting its coolness tickle your fingertips. You’ve never had a real bed before; you want to jump in it and let the softness of the plush mattress embrace you but your skin is sticky with sweat. You walk past the bedroom into the next room, that you assume is the bathroom. The light turns on as soon as you enter. It’s bright and clean. You walk over to the shower and turn it on.

Warmth.

So, there is warm water on this ship – that stormtrooper was just being a dick. You begin to strip your clothes off, pulling your tank top slowly away from the dried blood on your abdomen. You wince as it starts bleeding again. It’s been a week since the stormtrooper cut you, how long until this thing starts to heal?

Once completely naked, you step into the shower, allowing the warmth to coat your body. You stand underneath the waterfall for several minutes before you begin to look for soap. you’re surprised when you realize the shower is stocked with several different jars of body washes, shampoos, and conditioners that all smell amazing.

After the shower and brushing your hair – which never felt so good – you realize that you’re not sure if you have a change of clothes. You chew on your lip as you head out of the bathroom and back into the room. The bathroom had been stocked with everything you needed so surely there are some clothes _somewhere_ in here.

You pull open what looks to be a closet and grin when you see several tops and pairs of pants hanging. You search the drawers beside the closet and find a plethora of underwear and bras. You raise your brow wondering who was in charge of stocking the clothes. You pull on a bra and underwear, grab a top out of the room and back head to the bathroom.

You feel like you haven’t seen yourself in years. A stranger looks back at you in the mirror. You take in each of your features, your nose, eyes, lips, and mouth. Your eyes trail down your neck and collarbones and upon your chest lays…

“Nazeem’s necklace!” Your hand flies up to the necklace hanging around your neck. In the mess of everything that happened, you completely forgot she gave you the necklace to contact the Resistance if you needed to.

Without wasting another moment, you pull the shirt over your head and take the necklace off. The pendant is small and round with different bumps and grooves. “How this fuck does this work?” You whisper to yourself. Suddenly a hologram appears, and you’re greeted by a familiar face. “Leia?”

“(y/n)!” She says. She turns away from the hologram for a moment, says something you can’t hear and then turns back to you. “Nazeem told us what happened on Jakku. Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I…” _I’m fine_ doesn’t sound right but you don’t want her to worry about you. “I’m fine.”

“Well, we’ve been trying to contact you since the day it happened. Where did he take you?” Leia asked.

You shake your head. “I’m sorry for not reporting in sooner. I forgot about the necklace until just now. He had me in a cell until about an hour ago. He’s given me my own room.” Leia looks surprised and you continue. “I think I’m on The Annihilator… I don’t… I’m not exactly sure but…”

“We will send a rescue team to you immediately,” Leia says.

“What? No, Leia, I’m already here. Don’t risk lives to come get me. This was the goal anyway, right? If I leave no there’s no way I’ll get back on the ship.”

Leia shakes her head. “No, it’s too soon. Ben is very dangerous. You’re not ready!”

Before you can reply, another figure comes into view of the hologram. “(y/n)!?”

“Holden!” You smile. “Holden, I tried to get to you but Nadeem, she -”

Holden cuts you off. “Hey, don’t worry about it. Are you okay? Poe should be back any minute now. When he gets here, I’m going to head your way. Did he touch you? Did he hurt you?”

You shake your head. “No. No, Holden, I’m fine and… and I’m staying. I’m going to take down the First Order.”

Holden looks to Leia who gives him a defeated look. She knows you had made up your mind and was right about this being your best chance. “(y/n), no,” he says. “Come home. I miss you. I love you.”

“Holden, I have to do this. This is the right thing to do. I can…” You glance at Leia, “I can do this.”

Holden opens his mouth to protest but Leia puts her hand up, silencing him. “Fine. But you have to check in with the Resistance every two days. Not only for your safety but with information about the First Order.”

“Yes ma’am,” You reply.

“Now, with this holo-projector that Nazeem gave you. It’s very tiny and, frankly, it’s a prototype. We gave it to Nazeem for communication only because we also had a rendezvous point set up, so if the holo-projector failed we would still have a form of communication. It wasn’t meant for this type of mission and it is very likely to fail. If this happens, you must leave the First Order at once. We can’t protect you if we don’t know what’s going on.”

“Okay,” You reply.

“Also we can’t be the ones to initiate the call. You must be the one to initiate it every two days.”

“But you just said you had been trying to contact me,” You say, confused.

She nods. “Correct, keyword being tried. The transmission wouldn’t go through, so you must be the one to call us.”

“Okay but I don’t know how. I don’t even know how I made this happen,” You tell her.

Leia laughs. “Press where the chain meets the pendant. Hold it for five seconds and it will begin the transmission.”

“Oh,” You say. “Okay… well, I guess I’ll talk to you in two days.”

“I love you,” Holden says.

You bite your lip, unable to respond in the way you know he wants you to. “Oh, hey – if you’re with the Resistance now, what happened to Madora?”

“Don’t worry, she’s safe,” Holden said. “She’s not here but Leia sent her to live with someone she knows and trusts.”

You nod, relieved. “Okay… well, I guess I’ll check in soon.”

Leia gives you a smile before the transmission ends.

You’re awake before you open your eyes. You focus on the softness of the bed, the smoothness of the sheets and the warmth the blankets provide you. The bed alone is reason enough to join the First Order. You shift in the bed and attempt to convince yourself to get out of the bed and get ready for whatever the day awaits. _On the count of three. One…two…two and a half…two and three quarters…_

“(Your Last Name).”

You shoot up in the bed, turning to face where the sound come from. Your eyes land on the hooded figure you’ve come to know.

“What the fuck?” You half-scream. How long had he been standing there? Is this going to become an everyday thing?

“Get up, it’s time for breakfast and I don’t have all day to show you around.”

“I…” You run a hand through your hair. “Why…”

“You have five minutes,” Ren tells you before he exits the room.

“What the fuck?” You whisper to yourself. Kylo Ren might not be used to boundaries considering he’s the Supreme Leader and thinks he can do anything he wants, but that isn’t going to work for you.

Although you’d rather stay in bed longer, you make yourself get up and ready for the day. Five minutes is barely enough time to begin to wake up, let alone dress, make your hair presentable and brush your teeth, but you manage to make it out into the hallway in time.

Kylo Ren stands there, stiff as ever, hands clutched behind his back. “Come,” he demands as he turns on his heel and begins to walk down the corridor.

You open your mouth to tell him that it wouldn’t kill him to be a _little_ nicer, or at least less demanding but decide against it. You jog to catch up with him but notice it’s easier to keep up with his pace this time.

“You’re going to begin training as a stormtrooper,” he tells you.

You furrow your brows. “What?”

“I’m short a stormtrooper because you broke his leg. You’ll be trained to take his spot in combat.” Ren tells you without looking at you.

“In combat?” You scoff, “You mean killing innocent people when they refuse to bow to you?” Ren doesn’t answer you. “I’ll never kill for you,” You mumble.

Ren stops and turns to you so quick you nearly trip over yourself trying to halt. “You will do as you are told. You will stop fighting me and you will devote yourself to not only the First Order but to me as your Supreme Leader.”

“Why would I devote myself to an organization that held me captive for a week, starved me and sprayed me down with freezing water?”

Ren continues to walk forward. “You haven’t been here for a week.”

“Okay, maybe it doesn’t feel like a week because you’re busy…” _terrorizing people_ , you finish in your head, deciding not to offend him again, “But I know how long I’ve been here.”

“Today is day three.”

“Um…no,” You press.

“As you may recall, you were given a drug on the way here. It makes time move slow. Three days to you was one day in reality. We usually give it to people we need information from. They think more time has passed and they begin to lose hope to be rescued. Almost every time they give us the information we need.”

Now the cut on your stomach that seemed to not want to heal makes sense. “Torturing them seems more your style,” You say. You expect him to turn around again but he doesn’t.

His answer is simple and leaves chills down your spine. “I do that, too,” he says.

You’re silent for the rest of the walk, unsure of what to say. Kylo Ren is intimidating and, although you know your mission is to get close to him and infiltrate the First Order, you honestly have no idea how to even begin.

“What’s stormtrooper training like?” You ask him. He doesn’t answer. “Will you be the one training me?”

“No,” he answers.

You stop in front of a large door which opens immediately. Inside there are hundreds of people chattering and eating. You take a couple of steps forward, suddenly feeling nervous. This ship has thousands of people on it. Thousands of people that know each other, work with each other and probably have even formed relationships and friendships with each other. And all you have is yourself. Just yourself. A sudden feeling of loneliness washes over you.

You turn to face Ren but you realize you’re standing in front of the door alone. You wonder how someone so intimidatingly large can possibly walk away so quietly. You chew on the bottom of your lip for a moment before deciding to head in.

The canteen is even louder once you walk in. You join the line, trying to blend in but you can’t help but feel paranoid like you have a big, neon sign flashing RESISTANCE FIGHTER over your head. You grab a tray and grab a piece of fruit you recognized from your time in captivity. The worker behind the counter places a piece of pastry on your tray and the next person adds a piece of meat. You grab a cup of water and turn to face the sea of people. You spot two girls sitting by themselves, laughing. Before you can talk yourself out of it, you head in their direction.

“Can I sit here?” You ask them.

They both look up at you and you realize they’re your age and absolutely stunning. The girl on the right has white-blonde hair that falls onto her shoulders with voluptuous curls. “Of course,” she says.

“Are you new to the First Order?” the other one says. Her skin is the perfect shade of brown and her eyes are bright blue.

“Yeah,” You say, sitting next to her. “I’m (y/n).”

“Vega,” the blonde says. “And that’s Evolet.”

“Hi…thanks for letting me crash your breakfast.”

Evolet smiles, “It’s not a problem, really. Both of us know what it’s like to be new here. We wouldn’t have survived if we didn’t have each other.”

“How long have you guys been here?” You ask her.

Vega answers. “About a year, I think?”

“Oh,” You say, biting into your pastry. You can’t imagine being stuck here for a year.

“So, what brings you to the First Order?” Evolet asks you.

You hesitate, unsure of how to answer her. “I was taken,” You half-laugh. “It sounds ridiculous but…I don’t know. Kylo Ren came to my planet and…things didn’t end well. Anyway, I was brought here for some reason…I don’t…I still don’t know why, really.”

You notice Evolet and Vega making a face at each other. Neither of them replies.

“What? Why are you guys looking at each other like that?” 

Evolet puts her head down, unwilling to answer but Vega speaks up. “It sounds like Kylo brought you here to be a courtesan.”

“A what?” You ask.

“Evolet and I were given to the Supreme Leader as gifts from our planet. We don’t have an official title but most people call us Ren’s Courtesans. Our sole purpose on the ship is to…keep our Supreme Leader _happy_.”

“You mean have sex with him?” You ask, your jaw dropping slightly. “Are you serious? Why would your planet…your people do that to you?”

“They didn’t _do_ anything to us, (y/n). I’m honored to be here for anything he needs,” Vega tells you. Her tone tells you that you’ve clearly offended her.

You chew at your lip, trying to wrap your mind around what You had heard. “Wait…so, you’ve seen him without his mask?”

Vega looks down at her tray and Evolet answers you instead. “He’s never actually taken either of us up on our advances.”

Vega replies quickly. “Evolet!” Evolet gives Vega an apologetic look but doesn’t say anything further. “It’ll happen soon,” she continues, “if he wasn’t interested then he wouldn’t still have us here. He’s just busy fighting a war right now.”

“Why would you want to have relations with him, Vega? He’s…he’s a monster.”

Vega and Evolet both snap their heads in your direction, narrowing their eyes at you. “Watch your mouth. He is our Supreme Leader.”

“Yeah, new girl. Show some respect,” Vega tells you.

You know these girls must be brainwashed. What they’re saying makes zero sense to you. Kylo Ren is so reserved, serious and straight-up evil. What do these two girls see in him? They absolutely adore their Supreme Leader more than the average First Order worker. They have their own Kylo Ren fan club and it’s absolutely disgusting and silly.

You keep your head down and finish your food before saying goodbye to Vega and Evolet. They mumble their goodbyes before you put your tray up and head out of the canteen. You step out into the hallway completely unsure of what you’re supposed to do next. 

###### Author's Note

Thank you for reading! As of right now, this version is caught up to the original version. I will be updating both soon! Probably tomorrow sometime.

In the meantime follow me on twitter: [@eidoles](https://twitter.com/eidoles) and tumblr: [adamdesignateddriv3r](https://adamdesignateddriv3r.tumblr.com/)


	6. I'm Starting to Learn This Ain't All It's Cracked up to Be

### You

The Annihilator is larger than anything you would have imagined. Floors layered onto one another, hallways that branched off like trees. It would take weeks to explore each one, and you don't even know how you would make it into the rooms and floors that are off-limits... including the room Kylo Ren is in now.

The room is guarded by two stormtroopers but the wall they stand against is made of glass, allowing you to see everything that is going on inside. Ren stands in front of the large room; his back is to you as he stares out the window in front of him... into space. The view is breathtaking, and you wish you could enter the room to get a better look. You wonder if Ren still finds the view amazing after being in it all these years. Enlisted First Order personnel bustle around him but he ignores them, standing still as ever. What is he thinking about?

You hear footsteps approaching you quickly and you turn your head wondering who else walked through these halls with authority that almost matched the Supreme Leaders. A tall – but not as tall as Ren – red-headed man is marching up to you with a face of disgust.

"What do you think you're doing here?" He asks you. "The bridge is off-limits to unauthorized personnel."

You shake your head, trying to come up with a good reason for being up here. "I'm sorry. I was just..."

"You were just what?" He asks snidely. You're not sure what you did to piss this guy off but something told you he could be just as dangerous as Ren if he wanted to be and you needed to watch out.

"I'm new here," you tell him. "I got lost."

"You got lost?" He says, obviously not believing you.

Snooping around to get intel for the Resistance is going to be a lot harder with this guy on your trail. You open your mouth to apologize again but you stop when you hear the door to the bridge slide open.

"What's going on here, General Hux?"

The blood in your veins run cold and now you know you're really done for. You might have been able to lie your way out of this with the redhead but Ren is another story. He stands an intimidatingly few inches above General Hux who doesn't back away or flinch at his presence like everyone else does. This gives you the confirmation you need that General Hux isn't someone to mess with, you just don't understand the why. Everyone you've ever met – with the exception of Leia – has been scared of Ren. What made this guy different?

"Your prisoner claims she got lost and just happened to find herself at the bridge, Supreme Leader," Hux tells him, but he doesn't stop looking at you.

You don't look at Ren as he turns his head to look at you. You can feel his stare through his mask. You wish you could see his face, his expression; you wish you could read his thoughts. Your face begins to burn under both General Hux and Kylo Ren's stare.

"She was told to meet me here after she visited the canteen," Ren says simply. His lie causes your head to shoot up and look at him but he's no longer looking at you. You notice General Hux is still glaring at you and you try to hide your surprise but it's too late.

Hux's eyes leave you and he leans into Ren but doesn't try to whisper. "Do not let your distractions to be our downfall, Ren." Without another word, he heads into the large glass room.

You glance up at Ren, unsure if you should thank him or be quiet but before you can say anything he begins to walk down the hall. "This way," he calls.

You follow him but the question keeps pulling at your mind and you feel your lips begin to form the words. "Why did you lie to him?"

"From here on out you'll be referred to as SD-263," Ren tells you, ignoring your question. "Our stormtroopers are normally trained at a young age –"

After they're taken from their families, you add silently.

" – To ensure they're raised to be nothing but loyal to the First Order. Because of this, you must undergo a series of tests to prove your loyalty. Most of them won't be pleasant but –"

"You don't want to be a stormtrooper," you tell him. "I don't want to go by SD-whatever."

"You'll do as I say or you'll die," Ren turns to you, "SD-263."

You feel your jaw twitch at his threat. Of course, you have no desire to die, but you have a greater desire to not kill innocent people. You try to gather your courage as General Hux did moments before and tell yourself not to cower under Ren's stare. "Supreme Leader," the word tastes like poison on your tongue, "I don't mean any disrespect. I'm thankful for everything you've done for me and the potential you see in me for the First Order. I only think I could be more useful somewhere else. I'm decent at medical care... I basically raised myself on Jakku so I kinda had to learn how to stitch myself up. Or I could even –"

"You'll train as a stormtrooper," he tells you flatly. He turns and continues his march down the hallway.

You clench your teeth but decide to drop the subject. If you have to, you'll abandon your mission before you kill innocent people for the First Order. Leia would understand. You follow after Ren attempting to sound unfazed by his decision. "Will you be training me then?"

Ren doesn't answer you right away. You chew at your lip, wondering if you're asking too many questions. You think he's going to ignore you again when you hear his synthetic voice. "No."

Well, that's better than nothing, you guess.

Ren takes you down several hallways and down a couple of floors before you enter a room. The room is large with several different props lined against the walls. You quickly come to the understanding that this is a training room and Ren meant you'd be training to become a stormtrooper immediately.

You think the room is empty but as you walk deeper into it, you notice a burly man in the corner. He tosses his weights to the floor and stiffens his posture when he sees Ren.

"Supreme Leader," he says.

Ren walks over to the man and you follow closely behind him. "SD-263, this is Captain Avis. The stormtroopers leg you broke was in his division, so he will be training you to take that stormtroopers spot. You'll report to him from here on out, you'll do whatever he says."

Like everyone else on The Annihilator, Captain Avis is dressed in all black. His sandy hair is short and his deep green eyes pierced yours as he glares at you intimidatingly, but he's nowhere near as intimidating as Ren or even Hux for that matter. Still, even you knew Ren leaving you with this man that is clearly angry with you for breaking his troopers leg was a bad idea. You look up at Ren, searching for words that will convince him to let you train for anything else but before they come, Ren speaks again.

"Captain Avis, you'll report to me the moment I get back about your first training sessions with SD-263."

"Yes, sir," Avis says.

At the same time, you ask, "Wait. You're leaving?"

This time, Ren doesn't reply to you or even look to your direction. He turns and you watch him as he the doors open and he disappears into the hallway. It's odd. Ren is the most vile, abusive, reprehensible person You've ever met in the galaxy... but you feel a shade of comfort when you're with him. You find yourself looking at him for protection even though he's been the only person on this ship you needed protection from since you got here. Unless you count General Hux's vicious glare.

You're knocked – quite literally – out of your thoughts by something coming down hard across your shoulder blades. You turn to see Avis, his knuckles white from holding a staff tightly in his hands.

"What the hell?" you yell.

Avis isn't phased by your outburst. "You're weak," he tells you, "and slow."

"Slow? I wasn't even paying attention!" you yell. Avis tosses you his staff and grabs another off the wall of miscellaneous weapons behind him. As soon as he turns back to you, you swing towards Avis with all your strength.

He catches the staff easily in his hand. "Ren is wasting his time with you. My division is better off short a trooper than with someone like you."

"You're complaining to the wrong person," you tell him blocking his next swing. "Or are you afraid to stand up to the person that made this decision?"

Avis hits your staff so hard it hurts your hands and disarms you. He scoffs. "You need to strengthen your muscles before you'll be any sort of use for me. you might be able to use you as a target or bait during the next battle."

You roll your eyes as he turns away from you. Avis directs you to a set of weights and continues to berate you. He doesn't hold back about how worthless you are and will be to the First Order. The abuse is nonstop, and you wonder if this is how all your training sessions will be. You wonder if Ren is aware of how contumelious his captain is and almost laugh out loud. Of course, Ren knows. You have got to stop seeking comfort in a man that killed two of your friends along with millions of others, captured you and has done nothing but abuse you since.

And give you a room to yourself. And helped you when Hux was ready to throw you back in the cell.

You groan inwardly. Those two decent acts do not make him anywhere near a decent person. He doesn't care about your well-being. Stop seeking any sort of comfort or protection from him. He is nefarious.

He is a monster.

"Do three sixty-second handstands and then get out," Avis tells you.

Every inch of your body is shaking. Every time you take a step, you swear your leg is going to give out. "I can't do a handstand," you tell him.

"Use the wall if you must but you will not leave here until you've succeeded."

You sigh heavily. Why would Ren tell the stormtroopers not to harm you while you were being held in the cell but then leave you to train with this guy who clearly wants to hurt you more than anyone on this ship? What is the motive?

You walk over to the nearest wall and shake your arms, hoping to gather any remaining strength you had. The next time you speak with Leia, you have to tell her that Nazeem needs to up her workout routine. You thought it was good but it's not anything compared to the First Order's. If their fighting is anything like this workout, it's relentless. As soon as you put even the slightest bit of weight on your arms you know you're going to fail. Still, you kick your legs up allowing them to gently rest against the wall to steady your balance. 1...2...3...4...

You close your eyes and attempt to will your arms to become stronger.

...8...9...10...

Every inch of your screams to stop.

...15...16...17...

You can feel the sweat being to accumulate and slide down your body. You squeeze your eyes shut and hope your body will go into shock soon.

...22...23...

Your shirt begins to obey the laws of gravity. Instinctively, your hand shoots up to grab it but before your palm leaves the floor you're reminded of how weak you are. There's no way one hand can hold you, even if only for a brief moment. Your shirt catches on your breasts, and the cool air of the room hits your stomach summoning goosebumps.

...30...31...32...33...

You can feel Avis staring at you and you look up at him. His eyes hungrily take in your bare skin and it makes you uneasy.

...44...45...46...

You remind yourself that if you stop now he'll make you start over and you'll never get out of here.

...53...54...55...

Your arms buckle underneath you and you fall to the floor breathing heavily. Avis groans angrily. "You failed. Start over."

"Or maybe you were too distracted to count correctly," you say, pulling your shirt down and climbing to your feet. Every inch of your body trembles.

"Start over," he tells you again.

"No," you rebuke, walking past him before he can stop you. "I'm done for the day."

"SD-263, you do not have permission to leave. This will be reported to Kylo Ren!"

You ignore him and walk out of the training room. You half-expect him to follow you into the hall, shouting more insults but he doesn't.

It takes you several wrong turns to find your way back to your room, but eventually, you do. You want to lay down, allow your shaking limbs to rest but you head for the shower instead. The warmth of the water doesn't bring you comfort like it usually does. You sink to the ceramic floor and this time when your body trembles, it's due to silent sobs.

You hate it here. You want to go home, back to your life before your best friend died and the Resistance found you. you're not strong enough for this. You're weak and tired and scared. You know when Avis reports you to Ren he's going to be unhappy. He's going to deem you as a traitor to the First Order and throw you back in the cell. Or maybe he'll kill you. You'll never finish your mission or discover his secrets and without your help, the Resistance doesn't stand a chance. Ren is too strong. The First Order is too strong.

As you climb out of the shower and wrap a towel around your chest, you pledge yourself to the First Order for the Resistance's sake. You have to get on Ren's good side and remain there to accomplish your mission. The happier he is with you, the easier it will be to get close to him and uncover The First Order's secrets.

You walk into the bedroom and collapse on your bed. You appreciate the fact that Ren is gone on a mission of his own and after ignoring what that might entail, you wonder when he's going to be back. You wonder how he will react to Avis's news about you walking out of your first training session. How will you explain yourself without sounding as weak as Avis swears you are? Your mind wanders to General Hux and his dislike of the Supreme Leader. Maybe you're going about this mission all wrong. Maybe instead of focusing on the impenetrable Kylo Ren, you should focus on Hux. Maybe his dislike of Ren will work to your advantage. Of course, Hux dislikes you, too, for some odd reason and keeps calling you a distraction to Ren. You try to wrap your mind around what that could possibly mean as you drift off into unconsciousness.

When you wake, the room is pitch black. The clock on the wall tells you it's in the middle of the night and you groan, wondering why you slept for so long. You stand, tightening the towel around you and head to the closet to get dressed. You stop however when a prickle in the atmosphere tells you you're not alone. Avis is in here. You reach for the light switch. Before your fingers find it, a gloved hand wraps around your wrist.

"You keep defying me," a metallic voice purrs from behind you.

Chills run up your spine and your breath catches in your throat leaving you at a loss for words. Ren spins you around so you're facing him. You take a step backward as his hand leaves yours and you come in contact with the wall. "I'm sorry," you whisper.

You can feel the anger radiating from him. You wish you could see him, the darkness feels like it's encasing us. As the thought leaves you, you hear a click followed by the sound of something hitting the floor. You feel a gloved hand touch your face.

"What am I going to do with you?" This time his voice lacks the electronic bite and you can feel the warmth of his breath against your skin. "Hmm?"

You don't have words. The ability to speak is completely gone and the ability to breathe is well on its way to match. You feel pressure on your hip as he presses his thumb into you; gripping you. Your first instinct is to push him away but you can't move. You feel trapped between the wall and his body and the darkness that envelopes everything. You wonder if the Force is contributing to anything. You open your mouth to ask but you've forgotten how to form words.

Ren's breath melts into your neck; a shuddering breath leaves your lips... This is not what you meant when you said you wanted to get closer to Ren and yet, his breath on your neck comforts you in the weirdest way.

His mouth hovers above yours. He's so close but the darkness shields his face from you. You want to reach up, caress his features and understand the big secret of what lies beneath Ren's mask. You feel him gently take your bottom lip between both of his, tugging at it before fully connecting his mouth with yours.

You allow him to taste you and furthermore, you decide to taste him. Once you do, you can't get enough of him, so when he suddenly pulls away, you feel forsaken. He doesn't leave you feeling empty for long as his lips return to your collarbone. He nips and licks, leaving a trail from your clavicle to the ends of the towel that clings desperately to your chest. He rips it away with ease, causing you to cry out in surprise. The cold air hits you, littering your body in goosebumps as you crave warmth...it comes immediately after your thought and Ren's mouth returns to your body To the top of your breast. To the top of your other breast.

His mouth lands on your nipple and a moan escapes your lips. Not being able to touch him is torturous. He flicks his tongue over your hardened nipple several times before returning to the other. You begin to ache between your thighs.

Again, as soon as the thought leaves you, Ren's mouth leaves your breast. Using his mouth, he leaves a trail of kisses down your body. Your breaths get more and more uneven the closer he gets to the wet between your legs. His lips land on your mound and he grips your thigh. He leaves wet, sloppy kisses on your inner thigh as he lifts your leg, allowing your thigh to rest on his shoulder.

This isn't happening. This can't be happening. You can't allow this to happen.

He blows gently on your lips and you ignore how nice it feels, attempting to pull yourself away from the wall but you're glued. You feel his wet tongue meet the lips of your pussy, without entering, his tongue travels up your slit and then back down.

You – can't – breathe.

You feel a leathered finger gently caress your opening. Ren kisses your lips as he very teasingly allows his finger to dip into you. Another moan escapes your lips.

Ren's finger slowly leaves you before he plunges it even deeper inside. His knuckles press hard into your skin as he wiggles his finger inside you, feeling your walls. You moan again, louder this time and his finger leaves you. This time when he enters you he adds another gloved finger and presses his tongue against your throbbing clit. If the Force wasn't holding you against the wall, you would have collapsed.

He moves his fingers in and out of you while his tongue dances on your clit. You feel him nuzzle his face deeper into you as he nibbles and sucks on your swollen flesh. Sweat builds on your skin as you try to buckle your hips, craving more of his touch. you've never wanted to cum more badly in your life.

You wish he would release you from his Force hold so you can touch him, pull him into your mouth and taste his juices on your tongue. "Ren... please," you beg breathlessly.

With his free hand, Ren reaches up and cups one of your breasts. His tongue swirls around your clit and you feel the pressure begin to rise inside of you. His fingers move in and out of you rapidly... his lips squeeze around your clit sending you over the edge and you cum; pressure explodes from inside you causing you to cry out. Ren presses his fingers as deep inside you as they'll go before he pulls them out. He licks your juices from your pussy and you shiver as his tongue passes over your sensitive clit...

And you wake up.

Your chest heaves violently. What the fuck?! You remove your hand from between your legs and wipe the wetness from your fingers onto the towel that still clings to your body. You can still feel dream-Ren grasping your thigh; you can feel the warmth of his breath on your neck.

"What the fuck?" you exclaim, sitting up and trying to shake his phantom hold on you. You just had a sex dream about Kylo Ren and even worse than that, you thoroughly enjoyed it and orgasmed to it.

You run through all the excuses you can think of that caused the dream: the two sex-obsessed girls at breakfast, the way Avis looked at you when your shirt raised, the loneliness you've been experiencing. Your mind is just playing tricks on you, it always happens in the most unconventional ways. This is normal.

Still, your body remembers the way he felt against you, your tongue remembers the way he tasted. You close your eyes and push the thoughts from your mind...

It's just the oxytocin, you tell yourself. It's just the oxytocin.

###### Author's Note

Thank you so much for reading!   
Title credit: Carolina Liar "Coming to Terms"


	7. Just Give Up, You'll Never Be Good Enough

### You

You don’t trust your mind enough to allow yourself to fall back asleep, but you don’t allow yourself to dwell on the dream either. Taking advantage of Ren not being on the ship, so you’d only have to watch out for Hux, you decide to go on a search for any type of information you can get your hands on.

The halls are nearly empty, and you can’t decide if that’s good or bad. On the bright side, this means you have less of a chance to be seen doing something you’re not supposed to but on the other side, no people in the hallway means no conversations to eavesdrop on, though it’s not like people speak freely of First Order secrets. You want to go to the bridge, but you know there’s no way for you to access it, even if luck is on your side and Hux isn’t there. Unable to come up with another destination, you begin to walk aimlessly through the ship.

Unfortunately, no First Order secrets fall into your lap.

You stop in one of the hallways, chewing at your lip while your brain runs through any ideas to help you complete your mission. You know you need to become close friends with someone in the First Order, preferably someone with any type of intel. The two Ren-obsessed girls came to your mind first but they’re clueless about anything going on, and from the sound of it, Ren only tolerates them being on the ship for some reason. You don’t think they’ll have any information to share with you. Ren would obviously have the information You needed but there is no way he would willingly tell you anything and you don’t have the power to force him. If only you were force-sensitive -

Before you can finish the thought, a hand wraps around your upper arm, pulling you backward. “Ow! Let go of me,” you turn, swatting the hand away from you.

Avis is smirking down at you. “Steal weak,” he says before releasing you. “Where are you going?”

You back away from him. “I’m going to breakfast.”

“It’s too early. Breakfast isn’t being served yet. You’ll finish yesterday's training session instead.”

Avis is the only other person on this ship that you have the chance to get to and as a captain, he would definitely know some of the things going on behind the scenes… but you don’t want to get close enough to him for him to want to reveal them. He gives you the creeps and you don’t even want to know what he would want in return…

Avis is still staring at you, waiting for you to join him in the training room. You figure until you come up with a solid plan to get the information you need, you must do as Ren asks to remain on his good side. So, with a stifled sigh, you follow Avis into the room.

As soon as we enter, he throws a training staff at you and then grabs one for himself. “Explain to me how someone as weak as you broke one of my stormtroopers legs,” he says.

“Maybe I’m not as weak as you think,” you tell him, blocking him as he swings at you. My muscles are already screaming at you to stop. 

Avis throws a few more swings your way but you’re successfully able to block each one. “No, you’re weak but quick,” he tells you. “Still, I don’t understand why Ren thinks you’d be a good fighter. Speed only gets you so far, you need strength to –”

“I told him I didn’t want to be a stormtrooper,” you say swinging as hard as you can at Avis, but he dodges you with ease.

“My division is strong. You will only be a weak link; you’ll die in your first battle.”

You scoff, blocking another hit from him. “Are you just going to continue to berate me or are we going to train? Because Ren said –”

Avis brings his training staff down on you hard, leaving you hardly any time to block him but you do. You push his staff off yours with as much force as you can muster and back away from him. This doesn’t stop Avis though because again and again, he attacks you aggressively. You’re able to block him the first few times but the duel – if you can call it that – ends with you on your knees and his staff pressed against your throat.

All that training with Nazeem, and you still failed to protect yourself against a First Order captain. There’s no way you’ll be able to take down Kylo Ren. Nazeem and Leia were right – you’re nowhere near ready for this mission, not in the way that matters. You sigh and push Avis’s staff away from you, climbing to your feet. No matter how much Avis disgusts you, you realize you must allow him to teach you. Not to join his division of stormtroopers and allow Ren to use you as a pawn in his war but so that you can accomplish your goal.

You don’t audibly complain to Avis as your muscles burn and sweat beads on various areas of your skin. You don’t know how long we had been dueling – and Avis winning incessantly – when Avis calls for a break. You much oblige and collapse on the mat.

“You’ve improved since last night – not necessarily at fighting but you’re not as whiney. At least your resilience is something that will give Ren hope that you’re not completely worthless.”

You ignore his backhanded compliment. “When is he supposed to come back anyway?”

Avis doesn’t reply immediately. “The Supreme Leader will come back once the mission is over.”

You roll your eyes. His non-answer is not doing anything for your subtle interrogation. You try again, “Do you know what the mission is?”

You’re greeted by a blaster to your face. “You ask too many questions. It is not your business what our Supreme Leader does. If you are to know the information, you’ll be told the information. Otherwise, you will follow the orders you are given. Do you understand?”

You swat the blaster from your face and glare at him as you stand. “Fine,” you reply. Avis hands you the gun and you look at him confused.

“We will begin blaster training since you’ve proved to not be well fit to become a stormtrooper with hand to hand combat,” Avis tells you.

You grip the blaster in your hand, letting your fingertips brush against the cool metal. It felt heavy and dangerous in your grip – why didn’t you think of using a gun to take down Kylo Ren? Why has your mind always jumped to fighting him in combat when you could shoot him and be done with it? _Because hand to hand combat is more personal,_ the little voice inside your head says.

“Can I use you as the target?” You ask Avis. He only smirks before walking to the wall on the other side. He presses a button on a panel and a door opens, revealing targets.

Avis grudgingly shows you how to use the blaster, (“I seriously can’t believe you are this arrogant!”) and then you aim for the target. You pull the trigger, but it has more kickback than you are prepared for. The blaster flies back, hitting you in the mouth and causing the laser from the blaster to miss the target and hit the ceiling.

“What the fuck?” Avis yells. He snatches the blaster away from you, “Get out of here before you kill someone.”

You touch your lip, bringing your finger back tinged with blood. “But what about my training?”

Avis walks over to the wall and grabs a ball. “You can come back later and train with this while you try to figure out what to do with you. Until then get the hell out of my training room.”

You glare at him for a moment before turning on your heel and leaving the room. You’re tempted to go back to your room and shower, but you remind yourself that you’re on a mission and you need to gather some intellect, _any_ intellect for the Resistance before Ren returns.

The canteen is full when you arrive. First Order personnel chatter loudly amongst each other. The canteen always seems more friendly when Ren wasn’t here and the excess of chatter – and even small bits of laughter – makes you realize how less tense everyone is with Ren off the ship. You find yourself hoping this also meant that people would be talking about things they normally wouldn’t.

You walk slowly, attempting to blend in as you count on someone to start spewing First Order classified secrets. You’re halfway walking through the room when you hear your name.

“(y/n)!” They call again. “Over here!”

You look up and see Evolet waving you over. Vega sits in front of her sipping out of her cup and a partially-in-uniform stormtrooper. Curious, you head over that way – maybe these two girls did know secrets after all.

“Hey, guys,” you greet, sitting down. You glance over at the stormtrooper. He’s about your age, attractive with dark hair and blue eyes. His trooper helmet sits in the seat next to him. “I’m (y/n),” you greet taking the seat in front of him and beside Evolet.

“Oh, so you’re the girl that broke AV-344’s leg,” he says glancing up from his food.

Evolet looks at you surprised. “Oh my god, (y/n)! Seriously?”

you open your mouth to reply but you’re not sure what to say. Thankfully before you can say anything, the stormtrooper replies. “I’m sure he deserved it. He’s a dick. I’m ZB-1211.”

“Or Zee for short,” Evolet says. “But seriously, you broke a stormtroopers leg?”

“When I first got here… Ren wants you to train as a stormtrooper to take his place. I started training with Avis last night.”

“Oh my God, isn’t Captain Avis so cute?” Evolet gushes. You raise your brow at her afraid you will never understand her and Vega’s obsession with the strangest of men. Before you can reply, however, Zee replies.

“Damn. I’ve heard stories about him. He’s a real hard ass,” he says. “What was training with him like?”

You shake your head. “Impossible. He’s angry with you so maybe he’s usually not this much of an ass but…” you trail off.

“I heard you got in trouble with Hux yesterday,” Vega speaks up. 

You arch your brow, the only people that should have known about that are Ren, Hux, and yourself. “How did you hear about that?” you ask her, hoping you sounded more ashamed than curious.

Vega shrugs. “Word travels fast around here.”

Yeah but _how_? “Well, whoever told you that didn’t have all their facts straight,” you tell her hoping she would reveal her gossiper. “I was actually meeting Ren at the bridge. Hux didn’t realize that when he scolded -”

“What were you doing with Kylo?” Vega asks, jealousy dripping from her words.

“Oh,” you shake your head, realizing you made a mistake mentioning Ren. “He took me to the training room to meet Avis.”

“Maybe I should break a stormtroopers leg so I can get some one-on-one time with Avis,” Evolet jokes. “Zee, let me break your leg.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Zee says before taking a bite of his food. “I don’t know why you’re so interested in him. Not only is he your superior but he’s also a dick. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea.”

“Oh, yeah?” Evolet asks. “Like who?”

“Uh, like me, for one!”

Evolet smiles at Zee and rolls her eyes. “Obviously but you’re like my brother! And even if you weren’t, stormtroopers aren’t allowed relationships.”

“Really?” you ask, glancing from Evolet to Zee.

“Really,” Zee says in a tone of sadness mixed with annoyance.

You furrow your brows. “Like ever?”

“Not as long as they’re in active duty,” Vega replies. “Stormtroopers aren’t allowed to have distractions. Ever. The smallest of distractions could cause major problems on the battlefield. Kylo could get killed and –” Vega makes a face and you realize Zee has shot her a look of disapproval. “I’m not saying I don’t understand your side of it, Zee. I’m just saying there are bigger things at stake here. I’m not allowed to have a relationship either so I understa –”

“Oh, fuck off, Vega,” Zee replies. Your brows shoot up as you watch the scene unfold in front of you. “Ren doesn’t want you. The only reason you’re still on this ship is because Hux is afraid of what will happen if they reject your King’s gift by sending you back home. Ren doesn’t give a fuck what you do as long as you stay out of his way.”

“Zee!” Evolet gasps glancing from him to her best friend.

Vega’s face grows red as she stares at the trooper. “I’m here for him whenever he needs me, and he _will_ need me. Everyone has a duty on this ship to be loyal to the First Order. Maybe you don’t belong on this ship – maybe I should let Ren know we have another traitor stormtrooper in our ranks!”

“Vega!” Evolet gasps again.

Zee slams his hand on the table and your eyes dart around the room quickly to see if anyone has noticed but they are too busy with their own conversations and food. “I’m not a traitor just because I want to be allowed to have any sort of relationship, Vega! I get punished for having too close of a friendship with the people in my division!”

Vega doesn’t reply and you stare at the table in front of you, picking at your nailbeds. Silence falls thickly between the four of you. Vega pushes away her food while Evolet picks at hers and Zee takes another bite.

“So…” you start slowly, “I hear Ren is on a mission. Does he leave base often for that kind of stuff?”

Vega’s face brightens at Ren's name as you knew it would. “Here recently he’s been leaving a lot… but he always comes back.”

“Do you know where he’s gone this time?” you ask.

Vega shakes her head. “No, but he’s probably gone to recruit more people. They’re preparing an attack on the Resistance soon, so Kylo wants to make sure he’s prepared. The last huge battle the First Order had with the Resistance nearly wiped them out. But I think Kylo is feeling more confident in his forces again.”

You nod, ignoring the gut-wrenching feeling when you realize Ren could be killing innocents right now, and take in the information Vega gave you. You chew on your lip until you taste blood. Leia would want to hear about this, and you have to admit, you are excited to finally have some information to give her.

“I have to go,” you announce standing up.

“You didn’t even eat,” Evolet says.

“Yeah, I’m not hungry. I’ll see you guys later,” you say before walking away before any of them can stop you.

You almost run back to your room. You take your necklace off as soon as you enter and sit on the bed, pressing the pendant where Leia told you to.

Holden’s face pops up into view immediately and you feel guilty – he hasn’t crossed your mind much at all since I’ve arrived here.

“(y/n)?! I’ve been waiting to hear from you all day. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I miss you and I hate it here, but I’m fine.”

“I miss you too,” he tells you. “Please tell me you have information on the First Order so we can bring you home.”

“Is Leia there?” you ask.

Holden turns away from you and a moment later he steps out of view, allowing you to get a full view of Leia and Nazeem.

“(y/n),” Leia greets. “Please tell me you have some information.”

You delve into all the information that Vega told you. You explained that Ren leaves base often, that he’s beginning to feel confident in his army and plans to attack the resistance soon, although you’re not sure when. When you’re done, they both stare at you for a moment looking disappointed.

“I know it’s not much but –”

“You don’t know when they’re planning to attack?” Nazeem asks.

“No, but –”

“And you don’t know if Ren leaves base for another reason other than recruiting?”

“No, but –”

“Do you know how many recruits he already has?”

“No, but –”

Leia sighs. “Captain Rugor.”

Nazeem looks over at her General and you can tell she wants to say more but she presses her lips together into a thin line instead.

“Leia, I’m sorry. I know it’s not the in-depth information you want but… it’s hard. Impossible, really. I’ve been here for less than a week… I’m trying to make friends, there are two girls and a stormtrooper. I’m doing what I can. I –”

Leia puts her hand up. “I understand, (y/n).”

“No, I’m sorry, General but this is ridiculous,” Nazeem says before turning to you. “You know what you have to do. You must get close to Kylo Ren and kill him. Once you kill him the First Order will fall apart, and we can take down anyone that remains.”

Leia snaps her head towards her Captain. “Killing my son will not be necessary, Captain. (y/n) can turn him back to the Light!”

“I can’t believe you are protecting him after everything he has done, Leia! He killed Han! He’s not your son anymore! He’s irredeemable!”

Leia shakes her head. “Rey almost had him. He was teetering the edge when –”

“When he killed her,” Nazeem finishes. “And this is after you nearly killed yourself trying to reach him! Now look at you, you’re irreparably damaged.”

“Bringing my son home is the only thing I need to become whole again, Nazeem,” Leia says. Her tone is unlike anything I’ve ever heard before – almost threatening. “Anyway, I don’t believe Ben killed Rey. I felt him the day of the battle. When Rey died…” she trails off.

“General,” you speak up; Leia and Nazeem both look at you like they had forgotten you were there. “If you don’t think Kylo Ren killed Rey then who do you think did?”

Leia hesitates. “I don’t know, (y/n). Maybe you can figure that out, too.”

And with that, the holo-projection ends. 

You sit on your bed for several minutes after the hologram ends and toss Leia’s words around. You know Leia is bias when it comes to her son, you know she wants to believe there’s still light in him, that he can still be saved and loved – that he can love in return… but you’ve seen his hatred, his violence and cruelty first hand. Nazeem is right. Ren is irredeemable and yet… Leia isn’t foolish, she believes Ren didn’t kill Rey. She said the day Rey died she felt something from him… but what did that mean? What did she feel? What did _he_ feel?

After dinner, you head to the training room, not willing to sit in silence in your quarters any longer. However, you’re tempted to turn around when you realize it’s not empty. The room is huge, and there’s room for both of us and a division of stormtroopers. Not to mention, you could definitely use the company, but Avis has beat your confidence into a bloody pulp and you don’t want to embarrass yourself enough further. When you turn around to leave, though, you hear your name.

“(y/n)! Hey!”

You turn back around, recognizing the voice. “Hey, Zee. I didn’t recognize you without your stormtrooper armor.” Zee is wearing a pair of black pants and a blank tank top which clings to his well sculptured torso and you wonder what his workout routine is like.

He laughs at your joke. “Are you coming to train?”

“I… I was thinking about it but, I think I’ll just go back to my quarters,” you tell him.

“What? No, stay. Come on, I’ll help you,” he says.

You raise your brow and allow yourself to walk deeper into the room. “Help me?”

Zee shrugs. “Yeah. You said Avis was being a dick, so maybe if you get some training on the side, he’ll back off a bit.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” you ask him.

Zee pulls his brows together. “Why wouldn’t I be? We were all new here once… and I hear you were taken against your will…”

You chew on your lip unsure how to reply.

Zee holds your gaze for a moment before he speaks again. “And although I said you breaking that trooper’s leg was justified because of how much of an asshole he is –”

You shake your head. “I’m not usually that violent. I just wanted to get out of here… that was before I officially joined the First Order so…”

“Okay,” he smiles. “Still don’t want to get on your bad side, so maybe if I help you and we ever have to duel each other for some odd reason, you’ll take it easy on me.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be the one that has to take it easy between the both of us.” 

Zee starts by indulging you in your curiosities and introduces you to his workout routine. It’s strenuous but easier than Avis’s training, in that Zee doesn’t degrade you any time you fail but he’s more encouraging. At the end of the workout, you feel exhausted but not defeated. After the ‘warm-up’ as Zee called it, he grabs one of the blasters and hands it to you.

“Oh, I’m not any good with these things,” you tell him pointing to your lip.

“Yeah, these things have a kick on them. I’m not surprised Avis didn’t tell you,” he tells you.

“How long have you been a stormtrooper?” you ask him.

“Ren came to my planet a few months after the Battle of Exegol,” Zee tells you. “I didn’t hesitate to join him.”

“Now you regret it?” you ask.

He cuts his eyes at you. “No.” Zee walks over to the wall and presses a button on the panel that reveals the targets.

“Sorry, I just meant… you said you want to be allowed to have friendships, relationships. I thought that meant regret.”

“I don’t regret my decision,” he tells you. “Ren threatened to destroy the planet if he didn’t recruit enough people. I have family on that planet… a little sister, a mom, a dad.”

“Oh,” you say. Sometimes you forget people have families. “I guess you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

Zee shakes his head. “No, the decision was easy. I’d do anything to protect my loved ones.”

You aim for the target, this time preparing for the kickback of the blaster. You hesitate for a few moments and then pull the trigger, hitting the target but nowhere near where you were aiming. “Well, at least I didn’t hit myself in the mouth that time,” you joke.

Zee laughs. “See, improvement. So, what about you?”

“What about me?” you ask aiming again.

“You were taken against your will and not even a full week later you’ve joined the First Order. What gives?” Zee asks you.

You pretend to be focusing on your target in front of you while your mind goes into overdrive. You know you’re dancing on a fine line with this stormtrooper and though something tells you that you can trust him, you push the thought deep down.

“I’d do anything to protect my loved ones, too,” you tell him, you fire the blaster and this time, miraculously, you hit your target.

###### Author's Note

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! No Kylo this chapter but he's coming back soon, I promise!

Title credit: Of Mice & Men "The Depths"


End file.
